Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
I’d been standing in front of this mirror for the past twenty minutes trying to get my hair under some kind of control. And I was failing, miserably. I was so nervous, I felt like I was a teenager again, getting ready to go out on a date for the first time. When Bella called yesterday afternoon, I was thrilled. Then she said she wanted to see me so we could talk and I was scared. I feared that she was ready to end our marriage. Afraid she was going to say that I wasn't worth it, that I had hurt her too much.
Now, getting ready to go over there, I was completely nervous. I had no clue what was going through her mind because we hadn't spoken in days. I’d left countless messages with her, each one unreturned. We had never gone this long without seeing each other and that truly frightened me. Finally giving up on my hair, I grabbed my keys and cell phone and walked downstairs. Peaking into the kitchen, I saw my mom was sitting at the table. "Hey mom," I said walking over to her, and gently kissing her on the cheek.
The past few days had been hell for me, but my mom had helped me out so much.
"I'm gonna head over and talk to Bella for a while." She looked at me, a wide smile plastered on her face.
"I am so glad," she reached over and hugged me tightly, "I was hoping after our chat yesterday at lunch that she would decide to talk it out with you." I looked at her completely shocked. I had no idea my mom had even talked to Bella. "You had lunch with her yesterday? What did she say? How did she look?" I asked her, trying to find out as much about my wife's life during the past few days as I could. She smiled at me and laughed."Yes, Edward, I had lunch with Bella yesterday. And, I must admit, I have seen her look better. But, I am not going to divulge what we women talked about. That just wouldn't be right," she said, smirking at me. I tried to smile back at her but hearing that Bella had clearly had it just as rough as I had the past few days brought down my mood."She'll be fine Edward. Just go over there and talk to your wife. Talk to her about what is concerning you. Tell her your feelings. Just remember, let her speak too." I hugged my mom again and stepped out the front door, ready to finally talk to my wife.
~*&*~
BPOV
Edward had been standing outside the house, on the doorsteps for the past ten minutes. I didn't know what he was doing. I had obviously heard him when he pulled up, but he had yet to come inside or knock on the door. He just kept pacing back on forth on the front porch and running his hands through his hair. When I had finally decided to just open the door and let him in, he knocked on it lightly.
I took a deep breath and pulled the door open. He stood on the porch and had his hands in his pockets nervously. I made a motion with my hands, inviting him inside, he followed quietly. He took his coat off and hung it on the stand by the door. Turning back around, he smiled gently.
"You look nice, Bella," he told me, sounding unsure or if he should've or not.
“Thank you,” I replied all of the sudden feeling shy. My face heated for a moment. I took a soft breath, willing myself to calm down. Once I gained control, I looked over at him.
"You look nice yourself," I mumbled, smiling a little, letting him know that his words were appreciated. And nice he did look. He had on a black v-neck t-shirt and his button fly jeans. He knew this outfit did me in practically every time, so I was wondering if that was his plan. And then I began to wonder if he had worn this outfit at all the meet Tanya and the smile fell from my face. He must have noticed the change in my demeanor because he was quickly by my side. He lifted his hand as if to comfort me, but decided against the action. Rejection flooded me like a tidal wave, why had he refused to touch me just now? Could he just not want to? Does he not want me anymore?
"What's the matter, Bella?" he questioned me, trying to get me to look in his eyes. I shook my head lightly, trying to force the questions out for the time being.
"Nothing, Edward. Let's eat," I told him. He accepted my answer and walked ahead of me into the dining room. I couldn't help but eye the way his body looked in the jeans he was wearing. It had been a long time, far too long since we had been together. Stop Bella. You asked him here to talk about your relationship not jump his bones.
We sat down at the dining room table where I had already placed the food out. We sat across from each other and filled our plates with food in silence. I watched as Edward ate a few bites of the spaghetti and how he’d stick his tongue out to lick a bit of sauce that remained on his lips. I really needed to start some type of conversation before I end up embarrassing myself.
"I hope you don't mind that I made spaghetti. I haven't made it since...." I stopped myself immediately. I didn't want to talk about this yet, although I knew we would have to at some time. Edward looked at me confused for a moment.
"Haven't made it since when?" he asked me, cocking his head to the side slightly. I looked him in the eyes for a moment and then looked back down at my plate. I kept glancing back up at him as he was trying to work out in his head why I had stopped.
"Bella, you brought me that plate of food that night didn't you?" He looked at me and I nodded slightly.
"Why didn't you stay?" he asked me, obviously not realizing exactly what night it was.
"You were busy with someone, Edward!" I snapped at him. He looked at me, his eyes growing wide when he finally realized what I meant by that. He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, before speaking.
"You saw her? You saw us talking that night?" he asked me, very interested in hearing my answer. I pushed my plate in front of me, no longer hungry. I know I had asked him here to talk, but the more he talked about her, the more I did. And the more I thought about her, the more I pictured the two of them together in that coffee shop. I was desperately trying to not get angry with him, but I was teetering on the edge.
"Oh yes, Edward, I think it is fair to say that I saw you and Tanya talking that night," I told him, snapping at him again. I stood up and took my plate back into the kitchen. I heard his footsteps following behind me in the kitchen.
"Then you saw how we were together. You saw the fact that all these ridiculous rumors are just that. Fucking ridiculous rumors. There could never be anything but friendship between Tanya and me," he said smiling widely. My eyes slanted and I think I might have even growled.
"No Edward. What I saw was a man and woman together, sitting closely and touching. And the two of you had no shame in who could have seen you!" I yelled at him. He had his fists clenched at his sides and was breathing in and out deeply. I couldn't help but watch as he took each breath, as the material of his t-shirt stretched across his well defined abs. I shook my head lightly trying to get myself back on track but failed again when he started running his hands through his hair and his bicep flexed. Thank God I caught myself before I moaned out loud.
I placed the dishes on the counter and decided to walk back towards the living room, hoping that Edward would follow me. He did and I finally turned back around to face had yet to speak and looked as if he were fighting a battle inside as to whether to yell at me. He finally looked at me and his eyes were a bright vibrant green again. I fought the urge to moan again and decided to go ahead and get it all out.
"I saw the two of you another time. The night I actually confronted you about the whole thing," I quietly told him. He looked at me in shock. He obviously had no idea that anyone had seen them, yet alone me.
"I got upset when you said you wouldn't be home for dinner. I decided to take a drive and found myself sitting in front of the coffee shop beside the hospital." I looked up at him again and he was watching me cautiously. I could still see the sparkle in his eye from earlier and had to make myself finish with what I was saying.
"I sat there for a few minutes and low and behold, you and Tanya walk out of the hospital and into the coffee shop. You say that you are nothing but friends and I do believe that now. But that night, as I watched her massage your shoulders you two being just friends was the furthest thing from my mind." I looked back at him and he had let his head drop and was looking at the floor.
"That really hurt Edward. The fact that you let her touch you in such intimate ways nearly killed me that night. I missed you so much and to see you there with her when you could have been at home with me was horrible. I could almost hear you moaning like you do when I massage your body after a long day at work," I told him honestly. His head suddenly shot up and he looked me in the eyes. He didn't say anything and suddenly I was angry.
"I just want to know why. Why couldn't you open up to me?! Why would you speak to her?! Why did you lie to me about it?! I’m your wife, why couldn’t you tell me you were seeing someone? Why did you have to go to another woman like that? Do you know how it felt to see that?! Do you?!" I screamed, stepping closer to him.
EPOV
"Maybe if my wife hadn't shut me completely out, I wouldn't have had to turn to someone else!" I screamed back at her. As soon as the words were out, I immediately regretted them. She looked at me with so much fury in her eyes. She raised her hand up to slap me, but I caught her wrist in my hand. I could see her chest rising and falling as she breathed heavily. I held her hand out by the side of my face and stared into her eyes.
She closed her eyes briefly and I took the opportunity and placed her open palm on my cheek. Her hand felt warm and soft against my unshaven skin. I held my hand lightly over hers and relished in the touch. After a few moments, I removed my hand from on top of hers. Bella kept her hand on my cheek for a few moments longer. When she opened her eyes, she locked with mine. We stood there for God knows how long, just staring into each others eyes.
Suddenly, Bella launched herself into my arms and I hurried to grab her before both of us hit the floor. She wrapped her legs around my waist and passionately attacked my mouth with her own. She bit at my lower lip and I opened my mouth giving her access.
To say that I was surprised by what was now taking place would be a complete understatement. Not that I wasn't happy with it. Ever since Bella had opened the front door and I had seen her standing there in that short skirt and tight blouse, I had to discretely adjust myself in my jeans. I’d fantasized earlier about this happening but figured it was a long shot considering she had just tried to slap me.
Bella pulled away and hopped down, and began unbuttoning her blouse. When she finally freed herself from her shirt and her bra, she pulled my t-shirt off and jumped back into my arms, wrapping her legs tightly around my waist. She bent her head back, giving me access to her neck and I began licking and sucking it eagerly as one of my hands roamed to her breasts. I rolled her nipple between my thumb and forefinger as she moaned in delight.
She bent her head down and began kissing along my neck. Suddenly she bit down hard on the skin below my ear and I moaned, not from pain but from pleasure. I walked us over towards the wall and slammed her into it, attacking her chest with my mouth. I pulled a nipple into my mouth and bit down on it, probably harder than I ever had. Bella threw her head back and hit the wall behind her rather hard.
"Upstairs. Bedroom," she moaned. She didn't need to tell me twice, as I began walking us towards the steps leading upstairs. I continued biting and lapping at her neck as we walked upstairs slowly. Bella ran her hands through my hair, pulling it roughly. When we reached our bedroom door I threw it open quickly and then shut it behind us. Bella bit my neck hard again and I rammed her into the door biting her neck just as hard as she had mine.
She reached a hand between us and started unbuttoning my pants. When she had finally freed me from my pants and pushed them down, I slid my shoes off and kicked them to the side, followed by my pants and boxers. I placed her back down to the floor and removed her skirt and panties quickly. Standing back up, Bella once again jumped into my arms and kissed me hardly. I pushed her back into the door and kissed her with just as much urgency. I pulled myself away from her mouth and began kissing down her neck and along her collarbone again.
When she pulled my hair roughly once again, actually causing pain this time, I entered her fully in one thrust. The feel of her wrapped around me again, after months of no sexual contact had me wanting to pour my heart and soul out to this woman.
"God Bella, I love you so much," I told her as I thrust into her again. I heard a sob escape her mouth and pulled my face away from her neck. She had tears running down her face and was sobbing uncontrollably. I suddenly sobered up and walked us over to the bed, not pulling myself from within her heat though. I laid her down gently on the bed and brushed her hair from her face.
"Baby, I'm sorry. So sorry. Did I hurt you? I wasn't thinking," I told her, and honestly I wasn't. All I was thinking about was the being together, in this way, with my wife again.
"No, Edward. You didn't hurt me. I'm sorry." she told me. I began to pull out and she wrapped her legs tightly around my waist, holding me in place.
"No please don't stop. Please don't. I need this right now. I need to feel you," she said, tears still streaming down her face. I gently kissed her and pushed myself into her fully again. As our bodies rocked together, I put as much passion and feeling into each movement, trying to show her how much I had missed this. Being together with her in this way. Loving her. I kissed away the tears flowing down her face and kept repeating how much I loved her.
"I love you too," she said, breathlessly, "so much." I could feel her muscles tightening around me as I kept pushing into her, feeling as if I was going deeper and deeper every time. I knew I was getting close but I needed to feel her come apart in my arms. I bent my head down and whispered into her ear.
"Baby, I need you to come for me. God please, let me feel you," I moaned. Seconds later, I felt her body clamp around me as she finally let go and came with such intensity that she pulled my orgasm from me as well. I continued to pump into her slowly as we both rode out our highs together. I kissed her one final time before pulling out and lying down on my back.
She laid there and I could still see some tears falling from her eyes. I gently pulled her towards me and she laid her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and caressed her naked back as she drifted off to sleep. I placed a kiss on her head and gently whispered my love to her and then finally drifted off to sleep myself.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Chapter Eleven
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
I pulled into our driveway and noticed Alice's car was still parked by the curb. I took a few deep breaths and prepared myself for the storm that I was about to walk in to. Yes, I am not gonna lie. My sister scares the shit out of me. And knowing that she has been here, all day, talking to my wife about the fucked up shit I pulled recently, has me wishing I could run upstairs and grab my cup before knocking.
I walked slowly up the walkway towards the front door. I felt stupid ringing the door bell at my own house but I sure as hell wasn't going to barge in there like I owned the place, even if I did.
I rang the doorbell and stuck my hands in my pockets and waited. Not two seconds later the door swung open and my sister was standing there. Oh shit.
"You know you did a really stupid thing," Alice said.
Her hand raised, "Shit, Alice," I said, as I flinched away, thinking she was going to hit me. "Don't punch me." You wouldn't think someone so damn tiny could scare you but I had been punched by Alice before and I wasn't really looking forward to that again. I looked back up at her when I heard her snort slightly.
"Jesus Edward, I wasn't going to punch you although you deserve a whole hell of a lot worse than that, believe me," she mumbled under her breath. I looked up at her, she was still slightly pissed. But she also looked sad.
"I just wanted to come by and talk to Bella for a little bit," I told Alice. She stood in the door way and blocked my path inside.
"Well she doesn't want you here. She's not ready to talk to you. So just leave, Edward," she said, trying to shut the door in my face. I stuck my foot in the way to prevent her from doing that.
“Alice, you can’t kick me off my own fucking property. Now let me in and let me talk to my wife," I yelled at her. I’m pretty sure the entire neighborhood heard us right now, but I really didn't care.
"Oh, so now you want to talk to your wife? What's wrong? Was Tanya too busy tonight? Did she have another patient she had to take care of?" Rose asked me as she came into view. I was taken aback by the amount of venom in Rose's voice as she spoke to me.
"It wasn't like that Rose, and you know it. You know I would never do something like that!" Rose was standing in front of Alice now, Alice had placed a hand on her shoulder. Thank God someone around here was calm and collected.
"Edward, Rose. Bella really doesn't need to hear you guys arguing right now," she told us, then looked at me, "why don't you take off Edward and give her some more time." I shook my head no.
"That's bullshit, Ali. Let me inside so I can talk to my wife. We need to talk about this," I said, trying to push my way into my own damn house.
"Edward, do not make me call Charlie right now," Rose told me, holding her phone in her hand, "you know you don't need the chief hearing about this right now." I backed off a bit and nodded my head. Because God knows I didn't need my father-in-law finding out about this right now and certainly not in this way.
"Now leave, cool off. Both of you need time to think. Just give her some time Edward," Alice said, still standing in the doorway, blocking my entrance.
"Fine," I told them both, "I will give her some time. But I am not giving up. We need to talk. We have to talk." I turned around and started walking back towards my car. Alice finally walked back into the house once she saw I was actually leaving.
"And Edward," Rose said. I turned around to look back at her. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go back to our house tonight. Bella plans on stopping by tomorrow and I know she won't do it if she knows you are there."
"Alright then. Just let her know I'll be at my parents. You know, in case she needs anything."
"I can do that," she told me and shut the door.
I drove to my parents’ house; thankfully they were already in bed. I really didn't feel like explaining this whole mess to them right now. I’d had enough enlightenment tonight. I quietly walked upstairs and made my way into my childhood bedroom. Lizzie liked to spend time in here when she stayed with my parents. There were pictures in here of Bella and me from our early days on up to senior prom and graduation. Lizzie loved to listen to anyone tell her the stories about how Bella and I met and explain each detail of the pictures of us that were in my room.
After taking a shower and dressing for bed, I laid down on the bed, with my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling. I went over everything that had happened in the past few weeks. Bella and I had finally begun to talk again. We were making progress. Finally, I felt like I had control of my life again. But then she found out about Tanya. I admit I probably could have handled the situation a little better, like insisting on meeting in an office setting, or better yet, maybe even telling my wife that I was speaking to someone. I had reacted stupidly and now I was paying for it.
"You stupid, fucking asshole," I muttered to myself. I rolled over and tried to stop my mind from racing so I could get some sleep. But all I could think about was what was going to happen next. Was Bella going to leave me? Was our marriage ruined now because of my stupid actions? Would she ask me for a divorce? I could literally feel my heart break at the thought of not having Bella in my life anymore.
I tossed and turned half the night but evidently fell asleep at some point, because I was now waking up to the bright sun filtering in through the blinds on the window. And my phone was ringing on the bedside stand. I sat up quickly and opened the phone without even looking at the caller ID.
"Hello? Bella?" I said, eagerly hoping it was my wife. I prayed that she would finally want to speak with me. I hated leaving our home last night without actually talking to her. But what Rose said did actually make sense. She probably did still need some time.
"Good Morning to you too, Edward." Tanya said, laughing. I suddenly felt very guilty for even talking to her on the phone. Where had this guilt been at before?
"Oh yeah, good morning Tanya. Ummmmm, what can I do for you?" I asked her, then yawned very loudly. I had the day off, thankfully, because I didn't really get much rest at all last night.
"I was wondering if we were still on for coffee this afternoon. I know you're off today, so I just wanted to check on the time?" she asked.
Shit.
I had totally forgotten about today. Which was highly unusual for me. I had been looking forward to the days I was meeting with Tanya. But suddenly, I felt guilty, and had more important things on my mind.
"Yeah, about that. I don't think today is a good idea. We probably shouldn't," I told her, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand and hoping she didn't ask why. I really didn't feel like explaining my whole fucked up situation another time, to yet another person.
"Oh, okay then. Did something come up?" she asks me, curiously.
"You could say that. Bella found out I had been seeing you and needless to say, I don't think she would be too thrilled with the idea of me meeting you today for coffee." The line stayed quiet for a few moments and I wondered what she was thinking.
"What do you mean Bella found out? Hasn't she known all along that we were meeting? Edward, did Bella not know that you were talking with me?" She asked, shock evident in her voice.
"No, she didn't. I never told her. At the time, I really didn't see a reason to," I said quietly.
"Jesus Christ Edward! What the hell were you thinking?" she yelled at me. Great, another woman in my life pissed at me.
"I honestly don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And now there are all these rumors around the hospital that you and I are dating because some people saw us at the coffee shop several times. And some people even think we are sleeping together."
"Shit, Edward. What did you think people were going to think? We are constantly going to get coffee together. I have been in your office alone with you. What would that look like to you as an outsider?" she asked me, sighing at the very end.
"I wasn't really thinking about how it looked. I knew it was honest so I really didn't think too much about it. But now that I look back at it, I realize how it might have come off to some people."
"Look Edward, I am really glad that I was able to help you. But I can't do this anymore." she said.
"Can't do what anymore, Tanya? We can just try and meet, maybe in my father's office or something. He knows about everything now so I am sure if he knew how much you were helping me, that he wouldn't mind."
"No, Edward. I should have realized how unprofessional I was being. I was having coffee dates with you for Christ's sake! We should have been doing office visits from the beginning whether I had an office or not. I should have realized how this would come off. You aren't the only one who screwed up."
"But, we can do office meetings from now on. I don't have to stop seeing you."
"Edward, I have only just recently gotten my own marriage back on track. I don't need hospital rumors about a sexual affair breaking down what I have worked so hard to build back up. "
"Tanya, please don't do this. You have helped me so much. I need you." Tears had begun to fall from my eyes now.
"No, Edward. You need your wife. I suggest that you concentrate on fixing this mess that you caused. Goodbye Edward." she said, before disconnecting the line. I sobbed loudly now and threw my phone to the bed.
I had single handedly ruined what was, I thought to be, a great friendship. And probably, my marriage.
BPOV
The past few days have been hell. I learned from Rose that night that Edward was now staying with his parents. We hadn't talked at all. He left me voice mail messages, but I couldn't listen to them. He sent texts, but I immediately deleted them. He sent flowers, which I turned and threw in the garbage. I might be being harsh, but damn it, I'm hurt.
I walked into the diner and found Esme sitting alone by the window. She called me this morning and asked me to have lunch with her. I knew I couldn't ignore her forever so I reluctantly agreed. I honestly don't know why I am scared to talk to Esme. I did nothing wrong.
"Bella," she said, standing up and hugging me. I hugged her tightly and held back the tears that threatened to fall. We released each other and both sat down at the table.
"How have you been Sweetheart?" she asked me, grabbing my hand that was now placed flat on the table. I squeezed her hand as the tears I had been fighting hard to hold back fell.
"Not good, Esme. Not good at all," I told her honestly. I knew she had probably heard Edward's point of view of the whole situation. But she had asked me here for lunch, to hear mine I was sure.
We ordered our lunch when the waitress came over and sat quietly for a few minutes. I fiddled with my purse nervously wondering which of us would start the conversation. Once the waitress brought our food I figured I was safe, for now, but Esme had other ideas.
"Bella, as you know, Edward has been staying with us the past few days. I have heard his side of the story and frankly, I am disappointed in him. But, I do know there are two sides to this whole thing. And I know you have talked to Rose and Alice about this, but I was wondering if maybe you needed a motherly view of this. Someone with, maybe, more experience." She smiled slightly at me and I couldn't help but smile back.
"Esme, I'm not sure I should talk to you about this. I mean, he's your son," I said, taking a sip of my drink.
"I know he's my son, but today, I am here as your friend. I know this is something you would have probably gone to your mother about. But since you can't do that, I was hoping that maybe you would want to talk to me," she spoke softly to me.
I knew that I needed to talk to her. She wanted to hear my view and I was more than willing to give it to her.
"So, he told you everything? You know he was speaking to Tanya for weeks about Lizzie without telling me? Meeting her at the coffee shop for their chats?" I asked her, not realizing the anger in my voice.
"Yes, Bella, he told his father and me everything," she said, as she began to eat her lunch. I suddenly lost my appetite, thinking of the situation.
"I do believe him Esme. I know that he wasn't sleeping with her. But the fact that he decided to share his feelings with another woman, whether she was a doctor or not, hurts me. And the fact that he did that in a very unprofessional setting only adds to that. Did you know that the whole hospital thinks they are having an affair?" I asked her.
"Yes. Carlisle mentioned that to me the other night. Believe me Bella; Edward is very remorseful for what he did. He knows that he should have told you he was talking to Tanya. He's been moping around the house. He isn't eating. He is hardly sleeping. Have you talked to him at all in the past few days?"
"He has called plenty of times, left plenty of messages but I haven't spoken with him. I don't know if I can," I told her. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him without the anger taking over.
"Bella, you want to save your marriage right?" she asked me honestly.
"Yes, Esme. I love Edward so much. But that doesn't mean that what he did doesn't hurt. It wasn’t that he was talking to her about Lizzie that hurt so much or that fact that he was talking to her, what hurt the most was the way he looked at her. He smiled when he was with her, he was happy and I saw the Edward I once knew before this happened. Not only that, Esme, he lied to me about it and when I would ask him to go see someone with me he was an ass about it. I do believe that your son is sorry but that doesn't excuse the lies and the sneaking around and the emails or text messages, it does not excuse what he did.” I pushed my plate in front of me, my appetite long gone.
Esme, was silent for a few moments. I could see her eyes glistening and I knew what I said made some sense to her.
"Bella, would you please think about talking to him? I know that the two of you need to discuss this and both of you hiding out, is not going to help the situation at all."
I didn’t say anything. She finished up her food and paid the bill and we both stood up to leave. She hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear.
"Please sweetheart. I haven't seen him this broken since he lost Lizzie. I think he thinks he's losing you too." Tears slowly fell down my face as I watched her walk from the diner. I gathered my things and walked out to my car.
I knew I needed to talk to my husband. We needed to talk about this. I didn't want to lose him. I had lost too many things in my life and I didn't want him to be one of them.
I sat in my car for a few moments and let all the frustration I had been holding in the past few days go. I picked up my phone and dialed.
"Hello," he said. The sound of his voice nearly broke me.
"Edward....."
EPOV
I pulled into our driveway and noticed Alice's car was still parked by the curb. I took a few deep breaths and prepared myself for the storm that I was about to walk in to. Yes, I am not gonna lie. My sister scares the shit out of me. And knowing that she has been here, all day, talking to my wife about the fucked up shit I pulled recently, has me wishing I could run upstairs and grab my cup before knocking.
I walked slowly up the walkway towards the front door. I felt stupid ringing the door bell at my own house but I sure as hell wasn't going to barge in there like I owned the place, even if I did.
I rang the doorbell and stuck my hands in my pockets and waited. Not two seconds later the door swung open and my sister was standing there. Oh shit.
"You know you did a really stupid thing," Alice said.
Her hand raised, "Shit, Alice," I said, as I flinched away, thinking she was going to hit me. "Don't punch me." You wouldn't think someone so damn tiny could scare you but I had been punched by Alice before and I wasn't really looking forward to that again. I looked back up at her when I heard her snort slightly.
"Jesus Edward, I wasn't going to punch you although you deserve a whole hell of a lot worse than that, believe me," she mumbled under her breath. I looked up at her, she was still slightly pissed. But she also looked sad.
"I just wanted to come by and talk to Bella for a little bit," I told Alice. She stood in the door way and blocked my path inside.
"Well she doesn't want you here. She's not ready to talk to you. So just leave, Edward," she said, trying to shut the door in my face. I stuck my foot in the way to prevent her from doing that.
“Alice, you can’t kick me off my own fucking property. Now let me in and let me talk to my wife," I yelled at her. I’m pretty sure the entire neighborhood heard us right now, but I really didn't care.
"Oh, so now you want to talk to your wife? What's wrong? Was Tanya too busy tonight? Did she have another patient she had to take care of?" Rose asked me as she came into view. I was taken aback by the amount of venom in Rose's voice as she spoke to me.
"It wasn't like that Rose, and you know it. You know I would never do something like that!" Rose was standing in front of Alice now, Alice had placed a hand on her shoulder. Thank God someone around here was calm and collected.
"Edward, Rose. Bella really doesn't need to hear you guys arguing right now," she told us, then looked at me, "why don't you take off Edward and give her some more time." I shook my head no.
"That's bullshit, Ali. Let me inside so I can talk to my wife. We need to talk about this," I said, trying to push my way into my own damn house.
"Edward, do not make me call Charlie right now," Rose told me, holding her phone in her hand, "you know you don't need the chief hearing about this right now." I backed off a bit and nodded my head. Because God knows I didn't need my father-in-law finding out about this right now and certainly not in this way.
"Now leave, cool off. Both of you need time to think. Just give her some time Edward," Alice said, still standing in the doorway, blocking my entrance.
"Fine," I told them both, "I will give her some time. But I am not giving up. We need to talk. We have to talk." I turned around and started walking back towards my car. Alice finally walked back into the house once she saw I was actually leaving.
"And Edward," Rose said. I turned around to look back at her. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go back to our house tonight. Bella plans on stopping by tomorrow and I know she won't do it if she knows you are there."
"Alright then. Just let her know I'll be at my parents. You know, in case she needs anything."
"I can do that," she told me and shut the door.
I drove to my parents’ house; thankfully they were already in bed. I really didn't feel like explaining this whole mess to them right now. I’d had enough enlightenment tonight. I quietly walked upstairs and made my way into my childhood bedroom. Lizzie liked to spend time in here when she stayed with my parents. There were pictures in here of Bella and me from our early days on up to senior prom and graduation. Lizzie loved to listen to anyone tell her the stories about how Bella and I met and explain each detail of the pictures of us that were in my room.
After taking a shower and dressing for bed, I laid down on the bed, with my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling. I went over everything that had happened in the past few weeks. Bella and I had finally begun to talk again. We were making progress. Finally, I felt like I had control of my life again. But then she found out about Tanya. I admit I probably could have handled the situation a little better, like insisting on meeting in an office setting, or better yet, maybe even telling my wife that I was speaking to someone. I had reacted stupidly and now I was paying for it.
"You stupid, fucking asshole," I muttered to myself. I rolled over and tried to stop my mind from racing so I could get some sleep. But all I could think about was what was going to happen next. Was Bella going to leave me? Was our marriage ruined now because of my stupid actions? Would she ask me for a divorce? I could literally feel my heart break at the thought of not having Bella in my life anymore.
I tossed and turned half the night but evidently fell asleep at some point, because I was now waking up to the bright sun filtering in through the blinds on the window. And my phone was ringing on the bedside stand. I sat up quickly and opened the phone without even looking at the caller ID.
"Hello? Bella?" I said, eagerly hoping it was my wife. I prayed that she would finally want to speak with me. I hated leaving our home last night without actually talking to her. But what Rose said did actually make sense. She probably did still need some time.
"Good Morning to you too, Edward." Tanya said, laughing. I suddenly felt very guilty for even talking to her on the phone. Where had this guilt been at before?
"Oh yeah, good morning Tanya. Ummmmm, what can I do for you?" I asked her, then yawned very loudly. I had the day off, thankfully, because I didn't really get much rest at all last night.
"I was wondering if we were still on for coffee this afternoon. I know you're off today, so I just wanted to check on the time?" she asked.
Shit.
I had totally forgotten about today. Which was highly unusual for me. I had been looking forward to the days I was meeting with Tanya. But suddenly, I felt guilty, and had more important things on my mind.
"Yeah, about that. I don't think today is a good idea. We probably shouldn't," I told her, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand and hoping she didn't ask why. I really didn't feel like explaining my whole fucked up situation another time, to yet another person.
"Oh, okay then. Did something come up?" she asks me, curiously.
"You could say that. Bella found out I had been seeing you and needless to say, I don't think she would be too thrilled with the idea of me meeting you today for coffee." The line stayed quiet for a few moments and I wondered what she was thinking.
"What do you mean Bella found out? Hasn't she known all along that we were meeting? Edward, did Bella not know that you were talking with me?" She asked, shock evident in her voice.
"No, she didn't. I never told her. At the time, I really didn't see a reason to," I said quietly.
"Jesus Christ Edward! What the hell were you thinking?" she yelled at me. Great, another woman in my life pissed at me.
"I honestly don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And now there are all these rumors around the hospital that you and I are dating because some people saw us at the coffee shop several times. And some people even think we are sleeping together."
"Shit, Edward. What did you think people were going to think? We are constantly going to get coffee together. I have been in your office alone with you. What would that look like to you as an outsider?" she asked me, sighing at the very end.
"I wasn't really thinking about how it looked. I knew it was honest so I really didn't think too much about it. But now that I look back at it, I realize how it might have come off to some people."
"Look Edward, I am really glad that I was able to help you. But I can't do this anymore." she said.
"Can't do what anymore, Tanya? We can just try and meet, maybe in my father's office or something. He knows about everything now so I am sure if he knew how much you were helping me, that he wouldn't mind."
"No, Edward. I should have realized how unprofessional I was being. I was having coffee dates with you for Christ's sake! We should have been doing office visits from the beginning whether I had an office or not. I should have realized how this would come off. You aren't the only one who screwed up."
"But, we can do office meetings from now on. I don't have to stop seeing you."
"Edward, I have only just recently gotten my own marriage back on track. I don't need hospital rumors about a sexual affair breaking down what I have worked so hard to build back up. "
"Tanya, please don't do this. You have helped me so much. I need you." Tears had begun to fall from my eyes now.
"No, Edward. You need your wife. I suggest that you concentrate on fixing this mess that you caused. Goodbye Edward." she said, before disconnecting the line. I sobbed loudly now and threw my phone to the bed.
I had single handedly ruined what was, I thought to be, a great friendship. And probably, my marriage.
BPOV
The past few days have been hell. I learned from Rose that night that Edward was now staying with his parents. We hadn't talked at all. He left me voice mail messages, but I couldn't listen to them. He sent texts, but I immediately deleted them. He sent flowers, which I turned and threw in the garbage. I might be being harsh, but damn it, I'm hurt.
I walked into the diner and found Esme sitting alone by the window. She called me this morning and asked me to have lunch with her. I knew I couldn't ignore her forever so I reluctantly agreed. I honestly don't know why I am scared to talk to Esme. I did nothing wrong.
"Bella," she said, standing up and hugging me. I hugged her tightly and held back the tears that threatened to fall. We released each other and both sat down at the table.
"How have you been Sweetheart?" she asked me, grabbing my hand that was now placed flat on the table. I squeezed her hand as the tears I had been fighting hard to hold back fell.
"Not good, Esme. Not good at all," I told her honestly. I knew she had probably heard Edward's point of view of the whole situation. But she had asked me here for lunch, to hear mine I was sure.
We ordered our lunch when the waitress came over and sat quietly for a few minutes. I fiddled with my purse nervously wondering which of us would start the conversation. Once the waitress brought our food I figured I was safe, for now, but Esme had other ideas.
"Bella, as you know, Edward has been staying with us the past few days. I have heard his side of the story and frankly, I am disappointed in him. But, I do know there are two sides to this whole thing. And I know you have talked to Rose and Alice about this, but I was wondering if maybe you needed a motherly view of this. Someone with, maybe, more experience." She smiled slightly at me and I couldn't help but smile back.
"Esme, I'm not sure I should talk to you about this. I mean, he's your son," I said, taking a sip of my drink.
"I know he's my son, but today, I am here as your friend. I know this is something you would have probably gone to your mother about. But since you can't do that, I was hoping that maybe you would want to talk to me," she spoke softly to me.
I knew that I needed to talk to her. She wanted to hear my view and I was more than willing to give it to her.
"So, he told you everything? You know he was speaking to Tanya for weeks about Lizzie without telling me? Meeting her at the coffee shop for their chats?" I asked her, not realizing the anger in my voice.
"Yes, Bella, he told his father and me everything," she said, as she began to eat her lunch. I suddenly lost my appetite, thinking of the situation.
"I do believe him Esme. I know that he wasn't sleeping with her. But the fact that he decided to share his feelings with another woman, whether she was a doctor or not, hurts me. And the fact that he did that in a very unprofessional setting only adds to that. Did you know that the whole hospital thinks they are having an affair?" I asked her.
"Yes. Carlisle mentioned that to me the other night. Believe me Bella; Edward is very remorseful for what he did. He knows that he should have told you he was talking to Tanya. He's been moping around the house. He isn't eating. He is hardly sleeping. Have you talked to him at all in the past few days?"
"He has called plenty of times, left plenty of messages but I haven't spoken with him. I don't know if I can," I told her. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him without the anger taking over.
"Bella, you want to save your marriage right?" she asked me honestly.
"Yes, Esme. I love Edward so much. But that doesn't mean that what he did doesn't hurt. It wasn’t that he was talking to her about Lizzie that hurt so much or that fact that he was talking to her, what hurt the most was the way he looked at her. He smiled when he was with her, he was happy and I saw the Edward I once knew before this happened. Not only that, Esme, he lied to me about it and when I would ask him to go see someone with me he was an ass about it. I do believe that your son is sorry but that doesn't excuse the lies and the sneaking around and the emails or text messages, it does not excuse what he did.” I pushed my plate in front of me, my appetite long gone.
Esme, was silent for a few moments. I could see her eyes glistening and I knew what I said made some sense to her.
"Bella, would you please think about talking to him? I know that the two of you need to discuss this and both of you hiding out, is not going to help the situation at all."
I didn’t say anything. She finished up her food and paid the bill and we both stood up to leave. She hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear.
"Please sweetheart. I haven't seen him this broken since he lost Lizzie. I think he thinks he's losing you too." Tears slowly fell down my face as I watched her walk from the diner. I gathered my things and walked out to my car.
I knew I needed to talk to my husband. We needed to talk about this. I didn't want to lose him. I had lost too many things in my life and I didn't want him to be one of them.
I sat in my car for a few moments and let all the frustration I had been holding in the past few days go. I picked up my phone and dialed.
"Hello," he said. The sound of his voice nearly broke me.
"Edward....."
Chapter Ten
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
I parked my car in the hospital parking lot and made my way inside. I was completely exhausted. I hadn't slept all that well at Emmett's last night. After Bella kicked me out, all I could do was replay the last few weeks and imagine all the possible times I could’ve told her about Tanya, should’ve told her about Tanya. I’d wanted to cover my own ass when all I really had done was make it that much harder on Bella. She, as well as my own father, believed I was having an affair with her. Hell, half the hospital probably believed it too.
I tried to explain the fact that I was not sleeping with Tanya to Bella and she seemed to understand. She just didn't fucking care. And I could see her point. I was spending time with another woman. A lot of time. But that didn't mean that I was cheating on my wife. There were plenty of people in this world that could be friends with people of the opposite sex and not be having an affair with them.
I walked into the emergency room entrance and said hello to a few of the nurses that were there. They began to whisper back and forth to each other once I started to walk away; I was beginning to get a little self conscious.
I stopped in the break room and fixed myself a cup of coffee. I felt someone staring at me and turned around to find that it was one of the interns here at the hospital.
"Rough night, Dr. Cullen?" He asked me. I laughed a little and nodded my head.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that," I answered him honestly. Sleeping on your brother's couch because your wife kicked you out could definitely count as a rough night in my book.
"Guess that blonde chick wore you out huh? She looks like she would be a spitfire in bed. Or wait, was it the wife?" he questioned. I turned around and saw the smirk plastered across his face.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him, rather loudly. I must have startled him because he stepped back a little.
"It's all over the hospital, man. You've been screwing around with that hot blonde that we've seen you leave with. Even seen her come out of your office the other day."
I thought back and tried to remember anytime that Tanya had actually been in my office. There was a time last week when I had a particularly bad day and I had called her and asked her to meet me here. Even thinking back now I realize what a stupid idea that was.
"Look, you've got it all wrong. We're friends, only friends. Nothing is going on between us," I told him, drinking from my cup. He laughed a bit when I said this and nodded his head.
"Yeah, sure I do. I've heard that one before. You come out of your office, shirt un-tucked; tie undone, clothes wrinkled and hair looking like you just fucked someone real damn good. Yeah, I'm sure I've got it all wrong."I groaned and tried to remember that day in closer detail. I had a case that day where a young girl coded on the table and I'd almost lost her. It hit me really hard. I remembered lying down on my couch and spilling everything to Tanya. She had massaged my shoulders which had probably resulted in the wrinkled clothes. The messed up hair was from me running my hands through it in frustration.
I tossed my cup into the trash and looked the intern dead in the eyes. I didn't need anymore damn rumors running rampant around this hospital.
"You've got it all wrong. Just keep your damn mouth shut about shit you know nothing about." I stepped away from him and slammed the break room door shut on my way out.
BPOV
I sat on the couch in the living room sipping my cup of coffee. Rose and Alice sat across from me, both staring at me, waiting for me to spill my guts. They had both come over bright and early this morning, knowing I had the day off. They wanted to know why Edward had stayed the night at Emmett and Rose's. Evidently, he had avoided the two of them last night when he arrived, not that I could blame him.
"So, you gonna spill or what?" Rose asked me, leaning back in the chair she sat in, getting completely comfortable for my story telling.
"I will in a minute Rose. I am still trying to wrap my head around the situation," I told her. And honestly, I was. After lying in bed last night, going over everything I had said, he had said, I was still confused. I still didn't understand why Edward felt the need to lie about talking to someone. It was hard to sit here and think about him spilling his guts to her and her helping him get through this. We had all begged him numerous times to see someone, and yes, that’s what he’s doing but he’s hiding it.
"Why don't you just start at the beginning, Bella," Alice said. I was a little nervous about telling Alice anything bad about her brother, but she said herself that she was here as my friend this morning, not as my sister in law.
"That's the thing, Alice . I really have no idea where the beginning even is," I leaned back into the couch and got comfortable. I knew I needed to talk to someone about this because I was pretty sure I was going to end up driving myself crazy trying to figure this all out on my own.
"So, you know I had been getting Edward to try and talk to someone about everything, you know, a therapist or something," I said, and they both nodded their heads in understanding, "well, he adamantly denied that he didn't need to talk to anyone so I just dropped it. Once I let that go, we had finally begun to talk to each other again. He'd come home and we would talk about our days at work and it was good. Really good."
"Well, I decided one afternoon, after he called and told me that he wouldn't be home for dinner, to fix him a plate and take it up to his office. So, I walk into the hospital, up to his floor and when I rounded the corner to go down the hall towards his office, I saw him and this woman. They were talking, hugging, touching. I sorta freaked out and ran out of there."
"Bella," Alice asked, "what do you mean touching?" I sighed and threw my head into my hands.
"Well, he touched her hands that were placed in her lap. Just casual touching I guess you would call it." She nodded her head and wanted me to continue.
"So, when he got home that night, I mentioned nothing about seeing him with her and he mentioned nothing of it to me. When he was in the shower the next morning, his phone buzzed and he had a text message, from her, I assumed. It mentioned something about meeting him later."
"That asshole," Rose muttered under her breath. I looked at her, a little shocked. But of course, Rose had never been one to hide her true feelings.
"Rose," I said, trying to stop her.
"What Bella?" Alice asked me, "She’s completely right. He’s behaving like an asshole. I can't even believe right now that he’s my brother. I swear to God, if that man was here right now..."
"Can I finish please, because honestly you haven't heard anything yet?" They looked at me, wide-eyed, shut their mouths and motioned for me to continue. If just that little bit of information got their blood boiling, what was the rest of the story going to do to them?
"So, the night after I found the text, he called again and said he would be late coming home. I got a little pissed and decided to go for a drive. Well, I ended up in front of the coffee shop by the hospital. And guess who I saw coming out of the hospital and walking over to the shop?" Both Rose and Alice 's eyes grew wide as I confirmed their suspicions.
"Yep, her and Edward. And get this; she was massaging his shoulders while they were talking! Anyways, after that, I rushed home and went straight to bed. Once he fell asleep, I snooped in his phone and found dozens of text messages between the two of them."
"What the hell is he thinking?" Alice asked me. I just shrugged my shoulders at her because honestly, I had no idea myself. I’d tried numerous times to make sense of his actions myself, but failed miserably.
"He isn't thinking. That's what his damn problem is. Or maybe he is thinking with the wrong part of his anatomy," Rose said.
"So, I came home from work a little early yesterday and decided to do a little more snooping on the computer this time. And I found out that the two of them had also been emailing each other. Needless to say, when he got home last night, I let his ass have it and told him to get the fuck out." I picked up my coffee and took a sip, preparing myself to be bombarded with all kinds of questions from these two.
"So, how long has he been fucking this whore? Does he even care what the hell he is doing to you?" Rose asked. I laughed a bit at her candidness.
"That's the thing Rose. He isn't fucking her. He just talks to her." They looked at me in shock, clearly not believing me.
"Talking my ass," Rose muttered under her breath. I laughed again.
"What do you mean Bella," Alice asked me.
"You see Alice , I actually believe him. Tanya and Edward just talk. They talk about Lizzie. Your brother talks to another woman about my child, our child. He felt the need to go to a complete stranger with his feelings instead of his own wife. And that, I have to say, hurts more than thinking he was fucking her."
The girls were silent for a moment. Alice to a deep breath then reached for my hands.
“Bella, please what I’m about to say is in no way condemning or condoning what my brother did but I’m trying to see both sides of it.” I swallowed and nodded my head.
“We’ve all been begging him to see someone. Every one of us has asked him over and over to go talk to someone about his feelings. I know it hurts that he didn’t tell you that he was talking to someone and I’m going to fucking kill him for how he went about it, but when you really think about it, Bella, he’s finally opening up. He’s finally doing what we all asked him to do. Yes, he’s not talking to you about it and it sucks the way he’s been treating you when you’d ask him to go with you to therapy, but when you look at the whole picture, you’re not talking to him about Lizzie either. Actually I bet neither of you have spoken of her since her death.”
I sat there with tears in my eyes. What Alice said made sense but it didn’t help the fact that the way Edward went about it made it look like he was cheating. He smiled different with her than he did with me and I think that hurt the most.
The door bell rang and Alice shot up out of her chair to answer it while Rose and I looked at each other, completely confused.
EPOV
I walked into Emmett's living room and sat down on the couch. I threw my head back and closed my eyes, willing my headache to go away. Today had been filled with all kinds of fuckery. I had been asked about my actions several times today by several different people. As I opened my eyes and saw Emmett and Jasper staring back at me, I suddenly felt that it was only the beginning.
"Hey guys. What's up?" I asked them, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.
"I don't know man," Emmett said, "why don't you tell me why you called last night looking for a place to stay?" I knew this conversation was coming. I had purposely gone straight to bed last night to avoid it.
"Bella kicked me out. I needed somewhere to sleep, other than my car." I knew that explanation wasn't going to hold them off for long.
"Well, that much we know, jackass," Jasper said, "why don't you tell us why she kicked you out." I sighed loudly and leaned back on the couch and prepared to spill my guts.
I went through the whole Tanya thing. I told them how we met, how often we talked, how she helped me out. And most importantly, how I kept it all from Bella.
"Let me get this straight," Emmett began, "you have been meeting with this Tanya person, having coffee, talking with her. But you have been talking about Lizzie? Yet you tell us, your own family, that you don't need to talk to anyone?" He looked at me, raising his eyebrows in question.
"Yeah, but when I first began talking to her, I had no idea she was a trained grief counselor. It just felt good to talk to someone."
"You are a complete fucking idiot," Jasper mumbled, shaking his head. I looked up at him, wide eyed.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Jasper? I know I should’ve told Bella I was talking to a counselor, but I just couldn't. And now she comes up with this whole thing about emotional affairs and shit. I am not having an affair with her. We are just friends," I told him. I was getting a little tired of having to explain myself for what was probably the fiftieth time today.
"Edward, you might have just seen this as meeting a counselor or friend for coffee and talking, but did you ever stop to think about how this looked to everyone else?" Emmett asked me honestly.
"What do you mean Emm?” I asked him.
"Look Edward," Jasper began, "I am glad that you found someone, a counselor that you could talk to. But the way you went about meeting with her was completely unprofessional. What you guys shared over coffee and muffins should have been done in an office environment. To an outsider, this looks exactly like the beginnings of an affair. You have been staying late at the office, canceling dinner plans with your wife, and no telling what other things Bella has caught on to."
I leaned back onto the couch and let what Jasper and Emmett were telling me truly sink in. Is that what it looked like to all the people at the hospital? That I was having an affair with Tanya?
"Edward," Jasper said, looking me straight in the eyes, "an emotional affair is when a person shares their thoughts and feelings with someone other than their spouse. You find that you have more in common with the person and begin to feel emotionally attached to them. That is exactly what you have been doing with Tanya. You feel like you have a lot in common with her because she lost her son in a tragedy like you lost Lizzie. And I am not saying that you don't have anything in common with her. I just don't want you to get yourself in trouble, man. Because most emotional affairs continue until they become physical affairs."
"That is never going to happen Jasper," I told him, trying to get him to understand,” Tanya and I are just friends. She has helped me a lot these past couple of weeks."
"And I understand that Edward, I really do. But look at it from Bella's perspective. She seen it as you sharing your feelings with another woman, whether she is a counselor or not, because of the setting you chose to meet with her. And personally, I don't blame her one bit," Jasper said. Emmett nodded his head.
"Yeah, man. I don't blame her either. If I pulled the shit you pulled, Rose would have my balls. You guys just need to talk. Get everything out in the open," Emmett said, and Jasper nodded this time.
"Yeah, I guess you guys are right. I really do need to talk to Bella. Hopefully a day alone and time to think for herself will have helped her cool off a bit." I grabbed my coat from the couch and stood up.
"Um, yeah, about that Edward. Bella hasn't exactly been alone today," Emmett said, scratching the back of his head nervously.
"Alice and Rose both headed over there first thing this morning. They've been there all day," Jasper said, grinning widely at me.
I got in my car and headed home, preparing for the hell I was about to walk in to.
Shit. I was in major trouble.
EPOV
I parked my car in the hospital parking lot and made my way inside. I was completely exhausted. I hadn't slept all that well at Emmett's last night. After Bella kicked me out, all I could do was replay the last few weeks and imagine all the possible times I could’ve told her about Tanya, should’ve told her about Tanya. I’d wanted to cover my own ass when all I really had done was make it that much harder on Bella. She, as well as my own father, believed I was having an affair with her. Hell, half the hospital probably believed it too.
I tried to explain the fact that I was not sleeping with Tanya to Bella and she seemed to understand. She just didn't fucking care. And I could see her point. I was spending time with another woman. A lot of time. But that didn't mean that I was cheating on my wife. There were plenty of people in this world that could be friends with people of the opposite sex and not be having an affair with them.
I walked into the emergency room entrance and said hello to a few of the nurses that were there. They began to whisper back and forth to each other once I started to walk away; I was beginning to get a little self conscious.
I stopped in the break room and fixed myself a cup of coffee. I felt someone staring at me and turned around to find that it was one of the interns here at the hospital.
"Rough night, Dr. Cullen?" He asked me. I laughed a little and nodded my head.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that," I answered him honestly. Sleeping on your brother's couch because your wife kicked you out could definitely count as a rough night in my book.
"Guess that blonde chick wore you out huh? She looks like she would be a spitfire in bed. Or wait, was it the wife?" he questioned. I turned around and saw the smirk plastered across his face.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him, rather loudly. I must have startled him because he stepped back a little.
"It's all over the hospital, man. You've been screwing around with that hot blonde that we've seen you leave with. Even seen her come out of your office the other day."
I thought back and tried to remember anytime that Tanya had actually been in my office. There was a time last week when I had a particularly bad day and I had called her and asked her to meet me here. Even thinking back now I realize what a stupid idea that was.
"Look, you've got it all wrong. We're friends, only friends. Nothing is going on between us," I told him, drinking from my cup. He laughed a bit when I said this and nodded his head.
"Yeah, sure I do. I've heard that one before. You come out of your office, shirt un-tucked; tie undone, clothes wrinkled and hair looking like you just fucked someone real damn good. Yeah, I'm sure I've got it all wrong."I groaned and tried to remember that day in closer detail. I had a case that day where a young girl coded on the table and I'd almost lost her. It hit me really hard. I remembered lying down on my couch and spilling everything to Tanya. She had massaged my shoulders which had probably resulted in the wrinkled clothes. The messed up hair was from me running my hands through it in frustration.
I tossed my cup into the trash and looked the intern dead in the eyes. I didn't need anymore damn rumors running rampant around this hospital.
"You've got it all wrong. Just keep your damn mouth shut about shit you know nothing about." I stepped away from him and slammed the break room door shut on my way out.
BPOV
I sat on the couch in the living room sipping my cup of coffee. Rose and Alice sat across from me, both staring at me, waiting for me to spill my guts. They had both come over bright and early this morning, knowing I had the day off. They wanted to know why Edward had stayed the night at Emmett and Rose's. Evidently, he had avoided the two of them last night when he arrived, not that I could blame him.
"So, you gonna spill or what?" Rose asked me, leaning back in the chair she sat in, getting completely comfortable for my story telling.
"I will in a minute Rose. I am still trying to wrap my head around the situation," I told her. And honestly, I was. After lying in bed last night, going over everything I had said, he had said, I was still confused. I still didn't understand why Edward felt the need to lie about talking to someone. It was hard to sit here and think about him spilling his guts to her and her helping him get through this. We had all begged him numerous times to see someone, and yes, that’s what he’s doing but he’s hiding it.
"Why don't you just start at the beginning, Bella," Alice said. I was a little nervous about telling Alice anything bad about her brother, but she said herself that she was here as my friend this morning, not as my sister in law.
"That's the thing, Alice . I really have no idea where the beginning even is," I leaned back into the couch and got comfortable. I knew I needed to talk to someone about this because I was pretty sure I was going to end up driving myself crazy trying to figure this all out on my own.
"So, you know I had been getting Edward to try and talk to someone about everything, you know, a therapist or something," I said, and they both nodded their heads in understanding, "well, he adamantly denied that he didn't need to talk to anyone so I just dropped it. Once I let that go, we had finally begun to talk to each other again. He'd come home and we would talk about our days at work and it was good. Really good."
"Well, I decided one afternoon, after he called and told me that he wouldn't be home for dinner, to fix him a plate and take it up to his office. So, I walk into the hospital, up to his floor and when I rounded the corner to go down the hall towards his office, I saw him and this woman. They were talking, hugging, touching. I sorta freaked out and ran out of there."
"Bella," Alice asked, "what do you mean touching?" I sighed and threw my head into my hands.
"Well, he touched her hands that were placed in her lap. Just casual touching I guess you would call it." She nodded her head and wanted me to continue.
"So, when he got home that night, I mentioned nothing about seeing him with her and he mentioned nothing of it to me. When he was in the shower the next morning, his phone buzzed and he had a text message, from her, I assumed. It mentioned something about meeting him later."
"That asshole," Rose muttered under her breath. I looked at her, a little shocked. But of course, Rose had never been one to hide her true feelings.
"Rose," I said, trying to stop her.
"What Bella?" Alice asked me, "She’s completely right. He’s behaving like an asshole. I can't even believe right now that he’s my brother. I swear to God, if that man was here right now..."
"Can I finish please, because honestly you haven't heard anything yet?" They looked at me, wide-eyed, shut their mouths and motioned for me to continue. If just that little bit of information got their blood boiling, what was the rest of the story going to do to them?
"So, the night after I found the text, he called again and said he would be late coming home. I got a little pissed and decided to go for a drive. Well, I ended up in front of the coffee shop by the hospital. And guess who I saw coming out of the hospital and walking over to the shop?" Both Rose and Alice 's eyes grew wide as I confirmed their suspicions.
"Yep, her and Edward. And get this; she was massaging his shoulders while they were talking! Anyways, after that, I rushed home and went straight to bed. Once he fell asleep, I snooped in his phone and found dozens of text messages between the two of them."
"What the hell is he thinking?" Alice asked me. I just shrugged my shoulders at her because honestly, I had no idea myself. I’d tried numerous times to make sense of his actions myself, but failed miserably.
"He isn't thinking. That's what his damn problem is. Or maybe he is thinking with the wrong part of his anatomy," Rose said.
"So, I came home from work a little early yesterday and decided to do a little more snooping on the computer this time. And I found out that the two of them had also been emailing each other. Needless to say, when he got home last night, I let his ass have it and told him to get the fuck out." I picked up my coffee and took a sip, preparing myself to be bombarded with all kinds of questions from these two.
"So, how long has he been fucking this whore? Does he even care what the hell he is doing to you?" Rose asked. I laughed a bit at her candidness.
"That's the thing Rose. He isn't fucking her. He just talks to her." They looked at me in shock, clearly not believing me.
"Talking my ass," Rose muttered under her breath. I laughed again.
"What do you mean Bella," Alice asked me.
"You see Alice , I actually believe him. Tanya and Edward just talk. They talk about Lizzie. Your brother talks to another woman about my child, our child. He felt the need to go to a complete stranger with his feelings instead of his own wife. And that, I have to say, hurts more than thinking he was fucking her."
The girls were silent for a moment. Alice to a deep breath then reached for my hands.
“Bella, please what I’m about to say is in no way condemning or condoning what my brother did but I’m trying to see both sides of it.” I swallowed and nodded my head.
“We’ve all been begging him to see someone. Every one of us has asked him over and over to go talk to someone about his feelings. I know it hurts that he didn’t tell you that he was talking to someone and I’m going to fucking kill him for how he went about it, but when you really think about it, Bella, he’s finally opening up. He’s finally doing what we all asked him to do. Yes, he’s not talking to you about it and it sucks the way he’s been treating you when you’d ask him to go with you to therapy, but when you look at the whole picture, you’re not talking to him about Lizzie either. Actually I bet neither of you have spoken of her since her death.”
I sat there with tears in my eyes. What Alice said made sense but it didn’t help the fact that the way Edward went about it made it look like he was cheating. He smiled different with her than he did with me and I think that hurt the most.
The door bell rang and Alice shot up out of her chair to answer it while Rose and I looked at each other, completely confused.
EPOV
I walked into Emmett's living room and sat down on the couch. I threw my head back and closed my eyes, willing my headache to go away. Today had been filled with all kinds of fuckery. I had been asked about my actions several times today by several different people. As I opened my eyes and saw Emmett and Jasper staring back at me, I suddenly felt that it was only the beginning.
"Hey guys. What's up?" I asked them, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.
"I don't know man," Emmett said, "why don't you tell me why you called last night looking for a place to stay?" I knew this conversation was coming. I had purposely gone straight to bed last night to avoid it.
"Bella kicked me out. I needed somewhere to sleep, other than my car." I knew that explanation wasn't going to hold them off for long.
"Well, that much we know, jackass," Jasper said, "why don't you tell us why she kicked you out." I sighed loudly and leaned back on the couch and prepared to spill my guts.
I went through the whole Tanya thing. I told them how we met, how often we talked, how she helped me out. And most importantly, how I kept it all from Bella.
"Let me get this straight," Emmett began, "you have been meeting with this Tanya person, having coffee, talking with her. But you have been talking about Lizzie? Yet you tell us, your own family, that you don't need to talk to anyone?" He looked at me, raising his eyebrows in question.
"Yeah, but when I first began talking to her, I had no idea she was a trained grief counselor. It just felt good to talk to someone."
"You are a complete fucking idiot," Jasper mumbled, shaking his head. I looked up at him, wide eyed.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Jasper? I know I should’ve told Bella I was talking to a counselor, but I just couldn't. And now she comes up with this whole thing about emotional affairs and shit. I am not having an affair with her. We are just friends," I told him. I was getting a little tired of having to explain myself for what was probably the fiftieth time today.
"Edward, you might have just seen this as meeting a counselor or friend for coffee and talking, but did you ever stop to think about how this looked to everyone else?" Emmett asked me honestly.
"What do you mean Emm?” I asked him.
"Look Edward," Jasper began, "I am glad that you found someone, a counselor that you could talk to. But the way you went about meeting with her was completely unprofessional. What you guys shared over coffee and muffins should have been done in an office environment. To an outsider, this looks exactly like the beginnings of an affair. You have been staying late at the office, canceling dinner plans with your wife, and no telling what other things Bella has caught on to."
I leaned back onto the couch and let what Jasper and Emmett were telling me truly sink in. Is that what it looked like to all the people at the hospital? That I was having an affair with Tanya?
"Edward," Jasper said, looking me straight in the eyes, "an emotional affair is when a person shares their thoughts and feelings with someone other than their spouse. You find that you have more in common with the person and begin to feel emotionally attached to them. That is exactly what you have been doing with Tanya. You feel like you have a lot in common with her because she lost her son in a tragedy like you lost Lizzie. And I am not saying that you don't have anything in common with her. I just don't want you to get yourself in trouble, man. Because most emotional affairs continue until they become physical affairs."
"That is never going to happen Jasper," I told him, trying to get him to understand,” Tanya and I are just friends. She has helped me a lot these past couple of weeks."
"And I understand that Edward, I really do. But look at it from Bella's perspective. She seen it as you sharing your feelings with another woman, whether she is a counselor or not, because of the setting you chose to meet with her. And personally, I don't blame her one bit," Jasper said. Emmett nodded his head.
"Yeah, man. I don't blame her either. If I pulled the shit you pulled, Rose would have my balls. You guys just need to talk. Get everything out in the open," Emmett said, and Jasper nodded this time.
"Yeah, I guess you guys are right. I really do need to talk to Bella. Hopefully a day alone and time to think for herself will have helped her cool off a bit." I grabbed my coat from the couch and stood up.
"Um, yeah, about that Edward. Bella hasn't exactly been alone today," Emmett said, scratching the back of his head nervously.
"Alice and Rose both headed over there first thing this morning. They've been there all day," Jasper said, grinning widely at me.
I got in my car and headed home, preparing for the hell I was about to walk in to.
Shit. I was in major trouble.
Chapter Nine
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
I woke up to a very loud alarm clock. Slamming on the device, I groaned and sat up. I probably stayed out a little later than I should have last night. Tanya and I had began talking about the dreams I'd been having lately. Most of them focused on Lizzie and Bella. In the one dream that stuck out most, Lizzie, Bella and I were walking along the beach. Lizzie was standing in between Bella and I. Lizzie let go of both of our hands and suddenly disappeared. Bella and I just took each others hands and kept walking. Then, Bella would let go of my hand and disappear. Every time I had this dream, I would wake up sweating and breathing heavily. Tanya explained that it was probably my guilt manifesting itself in my unconscious state. She’d been trying to get me to talk with Bella and after a few meetings with her, she had suggested that I do go see someone with Bella. I usually blew it off. I was so afraid to admit that I did this to us, that I broke our family that I let Lizzie down.
I rolled over to watch Bella sleep for a few minutes before getting in the shower. But when I faced the other side of the bed, it was empty. I got out of bed and walked quietly into the hallway. I noticed Lizzie's bedroom door was open so I stepped inside. Bella laid bundled up on the tiny twin size bed. She clutched one of the stuffed animals Lizzie loved so much. She was whimpering in her sleep. I only caught a few words, but the ones I did catch practically broke my heart.
Lizzie.
Edward.
Don't leave me.
I bent down beside the bed and brushed a stray hair away from her face. I knelt there and watched her sleep for as long as I could, shower be damned. Once I realized that I had to immediately get dressed and leave for work, I leaned over and gently kissed her forehead. "Baby, I am so sorry for not saving her. I wish every day that I could have been there for you, for her. I will never forgive myself for that." I let my hand linger a bit on her cheek but then pulled away to go and get ready for work.
~*~*~*~
The drive into work was exhausting. Usually, I have my morning shower to wake me up, but I spent that fifteen minutes watching my wife sleep. Once I entered the room this morning, she seemed to calm down a bit and actually sleep peacefully for once. I pulled into my parking spot and made my way inside the hospital.
I noticed some of the nurses at the registration desk whispering back and forth and wondered what new gossip was going around the hospital now. I said hello to some colleagues and made my way to my office.
Sitting my things on my desk, I noticed a post-it note attached to my phone. I picked it up and read it.
Edward~
Meet me in my office as soon as you arrive this morning. I have an important matter I need to discuss with you.
Carlisle
I sighed and ran my fingers nervously through my hair. I wondered what on Earth was so important that my father wanted to see me in his office first thing. I ran many of the cases that I had worked on in the past few days through my head and nothing immediately jumped out at me in my memory. I was going to have to go to his office to see what he wanted.
I grabbed my coffee that I had gotten at the cafe earlier and made my way to my father's office. When I got to the door, I gently knocked and he told me to come inside.
"You asked to see me first thing this morning?" I told him, taking a seat in one of the chairs across from his desk. He closed his laptop and finally looked up at me.
"Yeah, I did son," he told me, and that was completely unusual. Usually, when we are at work, I am Edward or maybe even Dr. Cullen. He didn't make it a habit to call me son at work at all to keep from being accused of showing favortism, "so, you have anything you need to tell me about? Anything you want to talk about?"
What the hell was he getting at?
"What are you talking about Dad? I am not sure I understand?" I told him honestly.
"I am just giving you a chance to tell me yourself. I have heard some things around the hospital and I want to give you a chance to come clean to me yourself," He told me, giving me his full, undivided attention.
"Well, Dad, if I knew what the hell you were talking about, maybe I could tell you something. But until then, I have no idea what you are talking about." He stood up, placed his palms flat on the desk and leaned over towards me.
"Fine. You don't want to tell me on your own. I will just come out with it and ask you. I was just wondering when you were going to tell me you are having an affair?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I am not having an affair!" I stood up from my seat and yelled at him.
"First off, watch your damn mouth at me, son. I might be your father, but I am your boss in this hospital and you will speak to me with respect. Secondly, it is all over this hospital that you have been seen on numerous occasions leaving the premises with some unknown woman. Everyone around here knows Bella and knows that the woman you have been seen with is definitely not her. You have been seen at the coffee shop across the street plenty of times, by plenty of people, so don't try and tell me that nothing is going on." I stood up and began to pace the floor.
"I am not having a fucking affair! People are so damned ridiculous and need to mind their own fucking business. Ta-, I mean, Dr. Hunter and I have been together a few times to get coffee. That is it! Nothing beyond that has happened!" I was furious right now. People just didn't know how to keep their god damn mouths shut. Now, my family is going to find out that I have been talking to a therapist and will want me to discuss any progress I have made. I am not ready for them to know this yet.
"So this woman, she is a doctor? How have I never heard of her before?" he asked me, clearly not believing a word I had said.
"Yes, she is a doctor. She is new in town and hasn't gotten around to getting a job in the area yet." I couldn't tell him what it was Tanya did or he would figure out why I was talking with her.
"Just answer one question for me Edward," my dad said, looking me straight in the eyes, "Are you sleeping with this woman, this Dr. Hunter?"
What!?!?
"I can't believe you're asking me this question. I am your son, for God's sake. You should trust me enough when I tell you that I am not having an affair that I'm telling you the truth. You know what, fuck it. I'm not going to answer it. If I was, it sure as hell wouldn't be anyone in this hospital's business, including you!" I yelled at him, before walking out the door.
BPOV
I slept horribly last night. I kept having these horrible dreams. First, Lizzie would disappear. Then Edward would. I would scream and beg him not to leave me, but he would vanish. All I could think about were those damn text messages before falling asleep last night so I am sure that was the cause of the nightmares.
I debated all day at work whether or not to check the computer at home for emails between Tanya and Edward. I knew it would be invading his privacy but I had to know. I finally decided on the drive home, that I was going to do it. I prayed to God that there weren't any but deep down, I knew there would be.
I walked inside our office and sat down in front of the computer. I fidgeted with my hands while waiting for the page to load. I typed in Edward's email and password and hit enter. His inbox loaded and I was immediately bombarded with emails from tdhunter to Edward. Edward hadn't even erased any of them. He obviously hadn't been expecting me to check his email account. I briefly wondered if I should be doing this but went ahead and clicked the most recent one sent.
To: EACullen
From:tdhunter
Subject: Missed you!
Hey, sorry we couldn't meet up yesterday. I was so worried about you. Glad we decided to meet today instead. See you after your shift.
Tanya
I closed that one and picked another random email.
To: EACullen
From: tdhunter
Subject: Happy to Help
I am so glad to here that I helped you out after your shift yesterday. Anytime you need me, you know I will be there.
Tanya
The more I read, the angrier I got. I decided to open up an email that Edward had sent Tanya.
To: tdhunter
From: EACullen
Subject: Thanks
I just want to thank you again for helping me out. You have been a real life saver. I can't imagine where I would be right now without you in my life. I'll see you on Tuesday
Edward
I closed the email and shut the computer down. I couldn't stand anymore. Edward had obviously found someone that he wanted to share his life with more than me. I guess I would just have to accept that. But I will be damned if I am letting him ruin our marriage without a fight.
I stormed downstairs and began pacing. I knew I was going to have to confront him about this tonight. The longer I sat and thought about it, the angrier I got.
I heard Edward's car pull up a few minutes later. He was earlier tonight so he obviously didn't have plans with her after work. He came in and tossed his keys on the table and placed his jacket and briefcase on the chair. He walked into the living room and noticed me on the couch.
"Hey," he said, sitting down beside me, "did you have a good day at work?" I kept staring at his face. How on earth could he be so nonchalant about ruining his marriage. I decided to just get it over with.
"How long?" I asked him, not explaining any further. I figured he would know immediately what I was talking about. It wasn't hard to figure out what was going on with the way he had been acting lately. I wondered just how stupid he thought I was.
"How long, what, Bella?" He looked at me, totally confused. I stared at his face blankly. When I wouldn't speak, he shook his head. "Look, I had a rough day at work and I just really want to get a shower and relax." He stood up and began to make his way to the stairs.
"Tanya." He stopped walking and turned around to face me. He tried to cover up the shock on his face but not before I caught site of it. He knew he had been caught.
"Tanya? Who's Tanya?" he asked me. I noticed his Adam's apple bob in his throat, he swallowed so hard. He should know better than to try and hid things from me. We had been together too long.
"Don't give me that bullshit," I yelled at him, standing up from the couch, "Don't stand there and act like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about Edward! How long have you been seeing Tanya? How long has this been going on right under my nose? " I stood my ground, staring at him, waiting for him to give me an answer. He looked back at me, clearly defeated.
"It started a few weeks ago," he said quietly and then looked at me and wrinkled his brow. "How did you find out anyway?"
"Does it fucking matter how I found out? All that matters is that I did find out! I am asking the questions here. So what do you do, meet at the coffee shop, talk for a bit then go back to her place? Or do you rent a room some where? Or maybe you bring her here or to your car? Or maybe even take her back to your office? Because you obviously don't give a damn about who sees you!" I was furious now. I am sure the neighbors could probably hear me yelling at him but right now I really didn't care.
"Wait, WHAT? Bella, I think you have this all wrong. I have been talking to Tanya about Lizzie." He stood up and walked over to me. I flinched back from his touch. I really didn't want him anywhere near me right now.
"DO NOT TOUCH ME! What do you mean you have been talking to her about Lizzie?" Up until now, I had just been angry. But at the mention of Lizzie's name, I began to cry.
"I meet with her a couple of times a week and we just talk. She lost her child in a tragedy like me and she has helped me out a lot in the past couple of weeks. I don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for her." He was running his hands through his hair as he paced our living room floor. I stopped and just stared at him, not believing what he had just told me.
"So what, you two fell in love and started fucking each other to heal? Is that what you are trying to tell me?" I screamed at him, through my tears. He stopped pacing and looked at me, his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched.
"God dammit, Bella, I'm not fucking her! I am not cheating on you! " he yelled at me. We stood in front of each other, no more than a foot between us, but I felt as if we were miles apart. I looked into his eyes and I knew he wasn't lying. And then it hit me. Edward wasn't fucking Tanya. But he was sharing a part of himself that he no longer shared with me. His thoughts, his feelings, his emotions. They belonged to her now, not me. He no longer shared those with me.
"You may not be fucking her, but you are definitely cheating on me." I told him, shaking my head back and forth, still crying.
"Bella, what the fuck are you talking about? I told you, I am not sleeping with her," he told me, reaching out to touch me. I stepped back again before he could touch me.
"Edward, have you ever heard of the concept of emotional affairs? That is exactly what you are doing with Tanya," I told him, as I looked out the window, " No, you might not be fucking her, but you are sharing a part of yourself with her. A part that you no longer share with me. You are talking to her about our daughter, Edward, OUR daughter. Something that you should be able to share with me. Something I have begged you to talk to me about." I turned around to face him now, tears falling down my face. When he didn't say anything I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands and sobbed. I felt the couch give when he sat down beside me.
"Bella, that is completely stupid. I am not having an affair of any kind with Tanya. We are just friends. I don't know where you came up with this shit, but it is ridiculous." He tried to put his arm around me but I slid over, away from him. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I wouldn't let him touch me but I couldn't find it in me right now to care.
"Baby, you gotta believe me. We're just friends. That's all. I would never cheat on you. You have to know that. Especially not now." I looked up at his face and I could see the tears in his eyes.
"Edward, I do believe that you aren't screwing her. But that fact doesn't make it hurt any less. You are sharing something with her that I have tried for weeks to get you to share with me. Do you know how bad it kills me that you went to a total stranger for that comfort and not me, your own wife? I’ve been trying to get that comfort for weeks. At least I’m seeing someone legit. I’m making the effort, for both of us and I’ve tried to get you to make the effort with me. I’m happy you’re getting the help you need, but you lied about it, you hid it, you made an emotional connection with this woman and left me in the dark.” When he didn't say anything, I had finally had enough. I was exhausted and I couldn't handle another minute with him right now.
"Get out." I told him, standing from the couch and folding my arms in front of my chest. He looked at me confused.
"Bella..." he said, but I interrupted him.
"Please, Edward," I begged him. My body began to tremble as the tears continued to fall.
"Baby, don't do this..." he said, inching closer.
"Get out!" I said, a little louder this time. He tried to step even closer to me, reaching his arm out.
"We need to talk...." he tried again.
"I said get the fuck out!" I screamed at him, pointing toward the door. He stumbled backwards a bit, shocked at my outburst. He realized I wasn't going to back down and nodded his head, stepping away from me.
"Let me just go grab some things and I'll leave." He said, before turning to walk upstairs. I sat back down on the couch and just stared at nothing really.
A few minutes later, Edward cleared his throat, alerting me of his presence in the doorway. I looked up at him and waited for him to speak.
"I called Emmett. I'm gonna stay there tonight. If you need anything, just call me. I know you don't like to stay here by yourself. Just, if you need someone, call me, Please," he said.
I stood up and walked past him, making my way up stairs. I walked into our bedroom and leaned up against the wall right by the door. A few moments later, I heard the front door shut and I slid down the wall and burst into another round of tears.
EPOV
I woke up to a very loud alarm clock. Slamming on the device, I groaned and sat up. I probably stayed out a little later than I should have last night. Tanya and I had began talking about the dreams I'd been having lately. Most of them focused on Lizzie and Bella. In the one dream that stuck out most, Lizzie, Bella and I were walking along the beach. Lizzie was standing in between Bella and I. Lizzie let go of both of our hands and suddenly disappeared. Bella and I just took each others hands and kept walking. Then, Bella would let go of my hand and disappear. Every time I had this dream, I would wake up sweating and breathing heavily. Tanya explained that it was probably my guilt manifesting itself in my unconscious state. She’d been trying to get me to talk with Bella and after a few meetings with her, she had suggested that I do go see someone with Bella. I usually blew it off. I was so afraid to admit that I did this to us, that I broke our family that I let Lizzie down.
I rolled over to watch Bella sleep for a few minutes before getting in the shower. But when I faced the other side of the bed, it was empty. I got out of bed and walked quietly into the hallway. I noticed Lizzie's bedroom door was open so I stepped inside. Bella laid bundled up on the tiny twin size bed. She clutched one of the stuffed animals Lizzie loved so much. She was whimpering in her sleep. I only caught a few words, but the ones I did catch practically broke my heart.
Lizzie.
Edward.
Don't leave me.
I bent down beside the bed and brushed a stray hair away from her face. I knelt there and watched her sleep for as long as I could, shower be damned. Once I realized that I had to immediately get dressed and leave for work, I leaned over and gently kissed her forehead. "Baby, I am so sorry for not saving her. I wish every day that I could have been there for you, for her. I will never forgive myself for that." I let my hand linger a bit on her cheek but then pulled away to go and get ready for work.
~*~*~*~
The drive into work was exhausting. Usually, I have my morning shower to wake me up, but I spent that fifteen minutes watching my wife sleep. Once I entered the room this morning, she seemed to calm down a bit and actually sleep peacefully for once. I pulled into my parking spot and made my way inside the hospital.
I noticed some of the nurses at the registration desk whispering back and forth and wondered what new gossip was going around the hospital now. I said hello to some colleagues and made my way to my office.
Sitting my things on my desk, I noticed a post-it note attached to my phone. I picked it up and read it.
Edward~
Meet me in my office as soon as you arrive this morning. I have an important matter I need to discuss with you.
Carlisle
I sighed and ran my fingers nervously through my hair. I wondered what on Earth was so important that my father wanted to see me in his office first thing. I ran many of the cases that I had worked on in the past few days through my head and nothing immediately jumped out at me in my memory. I was going to have to go to his office to see what he wanted.
I grabbed my coffee that I had gotten at the cafe earlier and made my way to my father's office. When I got to the door, I gently knocked and he told me to come inside.
"You asked to see me first thing this morning?" I told him, taking a seat in one of the chairs across from his desk. He closed his laptop and finally looked up at me.
"Yeah, I did son," he told me, and that was completely unusual. Usually, when we are at work, I am Edward or maybe even Dr. Cullen. He didn't make it a habit to call me son at work at all to keep from being accused of showing favortism, "so, you have anything you need to tell me about? Anything you want to talk about?"
What the hell was he getting at?
"What are you talking about Dad? I am not sure I understand?" I told him honestly.
"I am just giving you a chance to tell me yourself. I have heard some things around the hospital and I want to give you a chance to come clean to me yourself," He told me, giving me his full, undivided attention.
"Well, Dad, if I knew what the hell you were talking about, maybe I could tell you something. But until then, I have no idea what you are talking about." He stood up, placed his palms flat on the desk and leaned over towards me.
"Fine. You don't want to tell me on your own. I will just come out with it and ask you. I was just wondering when you were going to tell me you are having an affair?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I am not having an affair!" I stood up from my seat and yelled at him.
"First off, watch your damn mouth at me, son. I might be your father, but I am your boss in this hospital and you will speak to me with respect. Secondly, it is all over this hospital that you have been seen on numerous occasions leaving the premises with some unknown woman. Everyone around here knows Bella and knows that the woman you have been seen with is definitely not her. You have been seen at the coffee shop across the street plenty of times, by plenty of people, so don't try and tell me that nothing is going on." I stood up and began to pace the floor.
"I am not having a fucking affair! People are so damned ridiculous and need to mind their own fucking business. Ta-, I mean, Dr. Hunter and I have been together a few times to get coffee. That is it! Nothing beyond that has happened!" I was furious right now. People just didn't know how to keep their god damn mouths shut. Now, my family is going to find out that I have been talking to a therapist and will want me to discuss any progress I have made. I am not ready for them to know this yet.
"So this woman, she is a doctor? How have I never heard of her before?" he asked me, clearly not believing a word I had said.
"Yes, she is a doctor. She is new in town and hasn't gotten around to getting a job in the area yet." I couldn't tell him what it was Tanya did or he would figure out why I was talking with her.
"Just answer one question for me Edward," my dad said, looking me straight in the eyes, "Are you sleeping with this woman, this Dr. Hunter?"
What!?!?
"I can't believe you're asking me this question. I am your son, for God's sake. You should trust me enough when I tell you that I am not having an affair that I'm telling you the truth. You know what, fuck it. I'm not going to answer it. If I was, it sure as hell wouldn't be anyone in this hospital's business, including you!" I yelled at him, before walking out the door.
BPOV
I slept horribly last night. I kept having these horrible dreams. First, Lizzie would disappear. Then Edward would. I would scream and beg him not to leave me, but he would vanish. All I could think about were those damn text messages before falling asleep last night so I am sure that was the cause of the nightmares.
I debated all day at work whether or not to check the computer at home for emails between Tanya and Edward. I knew it would be invading his privacy but I had to know. I finally decided on the drive home, that I was going to do it. I prayed to God that there weren't any but deep down, I knew there would be.
I walked inside our office and sat down in front of the computer. I fidgeted with my hands while waiting for the page to load. I typed in Edward's email and password and hit enter. His inbox loaded and I was immediately bombarded with emails from tdhunter to Edward. Edward hadn't even erased any of them. He obviously hadn't been expecting me to check his email account. I briefly wondered if I should be doing this but went ahead and clicked the most recent one sent.
To: EACullen
From:tdhunter
Subject: Missed you!
Hey, sorry we couldn't meet up yesterday. I was so worried about you. Glad we decided to meet today instead. See you after your shift.
Tanya
I closed that one and picked another random email.
To: EACullen
From: tdhunter
Subject: Happy to Help
I am so glad to here that I helped you out after your shift yesterday. Anytime you need me, you know I will be there.
Tanya
The more I read, the angrier I got. I decided to open up an email that Edward had sent Tanya.
To: tdhunter
From: EACullen
Subject: Thanks
I just want to thank you again for helping me out. You have been a real life saver. I can't imagine where I would be right now without you in my life. I'll see you on Tuesday
Edward
I closed the email and shut the computer down. I couldn't stand anymore. Edward had obviously found someone that he wanted to share his life with more than me. I guess I would just have to accept that. But I will be damned if I am letting him ruin our marriage without a fight.
I stormed downstairs and began pacing. I knew I was going to have to confront him about this tonight. The longer I sat and thought about it, the angrier I got.
I heard Edward's car pull up a few minutes later. He was earlier tonight so he obviously didn't have plans with her after work. He came in and tossed his keys on the table and placed his jacket and briefcase on the chair. He walked into the living room and noticed me on the couch.
"Hey," he said, sitting down beside me, "did you have a good day at work?" I kept staring at his face. How on earth could he be so nonchalant about ruining his marriage. I decided to just get it over with.
"How long?" I asked him, not explaining any further. I figured he would know immediately what I was talking about. It wasn't hard to figure out what was going on with the way he had been acting lately. I wondered just how stupid he thought I was.
"How long, what, Bella?" He looked at me, totally confused. I stared at his face blankly. When I wouldn't speak, he shook his head. "Look, I had a rough day at work and I just really want to get a shower and relax." He stood up and began to make his way to the stairs.
"Tanya." He stopped walking and turned around to face me. He tried to cover up the shock on his face but not before I caught site of it. He knew he had been caught.
"Tanya? Who's Tanya?" he asked me. I noticed his Adam's apple bob in his throat, he swallowed so hard. He should know better than to try and hid things from me. We had been together too long.
"Don't give me that bullshit," I yelled at him, standing up from the couch, "Don't stand there and act like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about Edward! How long have you been seeing Tanya? How long has this been going on right under my nose? " I stood my ground, staring at him, waiting for him to give me an answer. He looked back at me, clearly defeated.
"It started a few weeks ago," he said quietly and then looked at me and wrinkled his brow. "How did you find out anyway?"
"Does it fucking matter how I found out? All that matters is that I did find out! I am asking the questions here. So what do you do, meet at the coffee shop, talk for a bit then go back to her place? Or do you rent a room some where? Or maybe you bring her here or to your car? Or maybe even take her back to your office? Because you obviously don't give a damn about who sees you!" I was furious now. I am sure the neighbors could probably hear me yelling at him but right now I really didn't care.
"Wait, WHAT? Bella, I think you have this all wrong. I have been talking to Tanya about Lizzie." He stood up and walked over to me. I flinched back from his touch. I really didn't want him anywhere near me right now.
"DO NOT TOUCH ME! What do you mean you have been talking to her about Lizzie?" Up until now, I had just been angry. But at the mention of Lizzie's name, I began to cry.
"I meet with her a couple of times a week and we just talk. She lost her child in a tragedy like me and she has helped me out a lot in the past couple of weeks. I don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for her." He was running his hands through his hair as he paced our living room floor. I stopped and just stared at him, not believing what he had just told me.
"So what, you two fell in love and started fucking each other to heal? Is that what you are trying to tell me?" I screamed at him, through my tears. He stopped pacing and looked at me, his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched.
"God dammit, Bella, I'm not fucking her! I am not cheating on you! " he yelled at me. We stood in front of each other, no more than a foot between us, but I felt as if we were miles apart. I looked into his eyes and I knew he wasn't lying. And then it hit me. Edward wasn't fucking Tanya. But he was sharing a part of himself that he no longer shared with me. His thoughts, his feelings, his emotions. They belonged to her now, not me. He no longer shared those with me.
"You may not be fucking her, but you are definitely cheating on me." I told him, shaking my head back and forth, still crying.
"Bella, what the fuck are you talking about? I told you, I am not sleeping with her," he told me, reaching out to touch me. I stepped back again before he could touch me.
"Edward, have you ever heard of the concept of emotional affairs? That is exactly what you are doing with Tanya," I told him, as I looked out the window, " No, you might not be fucking her, but you are sharing a part of yourself with her. A part that you no longer share with me. You are talking to her about our daughter, Edward, OUR daughter. Something that you should be able to share with me. Something I have begged you to talk to me about." I turned around to face him now, tears falling down my face. When he didn't say anything I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands and sobbed. I felt the couch give when he sat down beside me.
"Bella, that is completely stupid. I am not having an affair of any kind with Tanya. We are just friends. I don't know where you came up with this shit, but it is ridiculous." He tried to put his arm around me but I slid over, away from him. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I wouldn't let him touch me but I couldn't find it in me right now to care.
"Baby, you gotta believe me. We're just friends. That's all. I would never cheat on you. You have to know that. Especially not now." I looked up at his face and I could see the tears in his eyes.
"Edward, I do believe that you aren't screwing her. But that fact doesn't make it hurt any less. You are sharing something with her that I have tried for weeks to get you to share with me. Do you know how bad it kills me that you went to a total stranger for that comfort and not me, your own wife? I’ve been trying to get that comfort for weeks. At least I’m seeing someone legit. I’m making the effort, for both of us and I’ve tried to get you to make the effort with me. I’m happy you’re getting the help you need, but you lied about it, you hid it, you made an emotional connection with this woman and left me in the dark.” When he didn't say anything, I had finally had enough. I was exhausted and I couldn't handle another minute with him right now.
"Get out." I told him, standing from the couch and folding my arms in front of my chest. He looked at me confused.
"Bella..." he said, but I interrupted him.
"Please, Edward," I begged him. My body began to tremble as the tears continued to fall.
"Baby, don't do this..." he said, inching closer.
"Get out!" I said, a little louder this time. He tried to step even closer to me, reaching his arm out.
"We need to talk...." he tried again.
"I said get the fuck out!" I screamed at him, pointing toward the door. He stumbled backwards a bit, shocked at my outburst. He realized I wasn't going to back down and nodded his head, stepping away from me.
"Let me just go grab some things and I'll leave." He said, before turning to walk upstairs. I sat back down on the couch and just stared at nothing really.
A few minutes later, Edward cleared his throat, alerting me of his presence in the doorway. I looked up at him and waited for him to speak.
"I called Emmett. I'm gonna stay there tonight. If you need anything, just call me. I know you don't like to stay here by yourself. Just, if you need someone, call me, Please," he said.
I stood up and walked past him, making my way up stairs. I walked into our bedroom and leaned up against the wall right by the door. A few moments later, I heard the front door shut and I slid down the wall and burst into another round of tears.
Chapter Eight
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
When I arrived home the next day from work, I was a little nervous. I hated not telling Bella about meeting and talking to Tanya, but I felt that I needed to keep the fact that I was talking to someone a secret. Everyone had been trying to get me to talk to someone for weeks and I knew that they would try and claim victory over the fact that I finally was. But it wasn't for them, it was for me. I had decided to take that step for myself, not for Bella, not for my family, but for me. I was in the living room thinking when I heard Bella come home. She walked in biting her lip. The way her sad eyes looked at me, I was beginning to wonder if she knew. She did, after all, know me all to well.
Sitting down in the chair by the couch, she eyed me carefully. She asked me about my day and I told her about some of the interesting surgeries that I had participated in. I asked her about her day. I knew that she had a therapy appointment that morning and I wondered if the doctor had tried again to get her to convince me to see someone. Bella made no mention of her therapy visit, so I didn't ask..
We talked for a few hours, about work, my parents, Rose and Emmett and their impending arrival, while eating the Chinese takeout.
It was nice to sit and talk about our day. I saw a hint of happiness in Bella’s eyes when she smiled. I missed her smile, and they way it made her eyes glow.
We cleaned up, her washing the dishes and me drying, just like we used to. My heart was still aching, though. I still hurt her and I hated that. But it was nice to do something even if it was as small as washing dishes. We were still doing it together.
Once we were done, Bella started yawning. I could tell she was exhausted and truth be told, so was I.
“Are you tired, love?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She replied, yawing again.
“Come on, let’s go up to bed.” I suggested, taking her hand in mine. She sighed and I could tell she was swallowing back sobs, hell I was too. It was nice to have Bella’s hand in mine.
When we passed Lizzie’s room, she stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. We both just stood there for a second then walked to our room.
Bella did her nightly routine first, then I went in and did mine. When I walked back into the bedroom, she was curled up under the blankets sleeping.
I laid on the bed next to her, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back, I thought back to the conversation with Tanya and how good it felt to talk to someone.
After about 10 minutes, Bella started thrashing back and forth and calling out for Lizzie. She hadn't been having the nightmares as much lately, but they still happened. She cried and whimpered in her sleep for hours. I tried to console but it was impossible. As she tossed and turned, I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, hating myself for making her go through this pain.
~*&*~
The next few weeks, went by pretty fast. Bella and I had a nice routine going on. The nights I was home, we would talk about our day, or just sit and watch a movie. We would hold hands but never went past that. There were times when I felt like we were ignoring what we really should be talking about but I didn’t want to ruin what we had started to build.
I had I continued to meet twice a week with Tanya at the little coffee shop across from the hospital. We also had shared numerous texts, phone calls and emails. We would talk about Jamie and Lizzie and all the things they loved to do to make us, as parents, want to pull our hair out. I would talk about work and some of the things that had gone on during the week. I loved talking about my baby girl. When ever I would tell a story about her, it made me feel good. I felt close to her. And I could tell it was the same with Tanya when she would talk about Jaime. The one thing neither of us mentioned was our spouses. I honestly had no idea what to think about that. I wondered if Bella talked about me in her therapy sessions.
Today was Tuesday and that meant that Tanya and I would meet for coffee after work. I was a little excited to get out of here and talk. It felt good to have something to look forward to finally.
"Dr. Cullen," one of the nurses called to me as I walked out of the restroom, "there are multiple injuries coming in and they’re thinking that most, if not all, will need surgery. We are going to need you to stay after your shift." I ran my hands through my hair and moaned.
"Okay," I told her, "just give me minute to call my wife and let her know that I won't be home in time for dinner and I will head down to the ER." I walked into the break room and pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed home. I knew Bella wouldn't be home yet, but I could leave a message. It rang four times and the machine picked up.
"Bella, something has come up and I am not going to be able to make it home for dinner, just plate some left over’s and stick them in the fridge for me. Gotta go. Thanks." I ended the call and stuck it back in my pocket and headed down to the ER.
~*&*~
Hours later, I was completely exhausted. Like they said, most of the injuries had required some type of surgery, but thankfully everyone had pulled through. I tossed the gloves I had been wearing in one of the bins by the door and walked out into the hall. I turned the corner and heard someone walking really fast, their heels hitting the linoleum quickly. I looked up to see Tanya coming down the hall towards me.
"Shit Tanya," I told her, "I completely forgot about coffee." She reached me and hugged me tightly. We had begun to do that in greeting. I felt like she was quickly becoming a very good friend of mine.
"It's okay, Edward, I got a little worried so I came in and someone had told me that you were in surgery." she said, pulling away from the hug. I smiled widely at her and we sat down in some of the chairs that lined the hall and I kept apologizing.
"There was some huge accident on the highway and there were multiple injuries. I should have called and let you know I wouldn't be able to make it, but it completely slipped my mind," I told her, and placed my hand on hers that rested in her lap.
"It's fine Edward. Really. How about if we just meet tomorrow instead? I know that you wanted to discuss some dreams that you have been having and I hate to have them making you feel guilty or something."
She was right. I had needed to tell her about some dreams I had begun to have. And yes, they were making me feel guilty. I had finally started to resolve some of my guilt, but since these nightmares started, the guilt had come back full force.
"That sounds like a perfect idea. Can't wait, really," I told hugged me again and said she would see me tomorrow. After she left, I walked down the hall to my office. Stepping inside, I noticed that someone had left a plate of food on my desk.
BPOV
The past few weeks had been going great. I felt like Edward and I were getting closer again. We started talking more, I was thrilled that I getting my husband back. I knew we still weren't talking about our feelings and about Lizzie, but I thought that once we were connected again, that would come.
I got home from work that day, weeks ago, after meeting with my therapist, I eyed Edward carefully as he sat in the living room, trying to gauge his mood. I sat down in the chair by the couch and just decided to do it. I asked him how his day was and he talked. Yes it could have been the most boring conversation we had ever had, but I couldn't help but be thrilled that my husband was talking to me again.
We ordered takeout and talked for hours. He asked me questions about my day and I answered. It felt good to talk to my husband again. I was probably scaring people at work lately because I pretty much talk to everyone. It was hard going home at night and just being quiet, not speaking at all. This talking was wonderful, I craved it.
We had been talking more and more over the next few weeks. It had been nothing major, but it was a step. I asked him yesterday if he wanted me to cook dinner tonight and he agreed. I went grocery shopping after work and picked up the things I would need to make spaghetti, garlic bread and a salad.
I walked in the house and tossed my keys on the table by the door. I noticed the machine was blinking but there was no way I could press the play button with all these bags in my hands. I walked into the kitchen and put all the groceries away and made my way back to the phone.
"Bella, something has come up and I am not going to be able to make it home for dinner. Just plate some left over’s and stick them in the fridge for me. Gotta go. Thanks."
Well, that was quick and to the point. He probably had some type of emergency surgery or something. I understood because I had been dealing with it our whole married life. I decided to put myself out there. I was going to go ahead and make our dinner, and I was going to take it to him at work. I would show him how much I appreciate him trying for me.
~*&*~
Once the spaghetti and garlic bread were done, I plated some and grabbed the salad I had made from the fridge and drove down to the hospital. I walked into the hospital and smiled at the nurses as I made my way inside. It was only recently that I had been able to return to the hospital. I didn't really see how Edward had done it so quickly after Lizzie's death. All I could think about this place at first was how my baby girl had died here. Yes, I still thought about that, but now, it was also the place where my husband worked.
I rode in the elevator up to Edward's floor and stepped out. Walking down the hall, I heard someone’s heels hitting the floor rather loudly. I rounded the corner but stepped back when I realized what I saw. I peeked back around the corner and gasped, quietly.
Edward was standing there while some strawberry blonde had her arms wrapped around him. She was tall, thin and as she pulled away from him, I saw that she was gorgeous. He was smiling at her. And I realized that I hadn't seen that smile in months. Yes, he had smiled, but it wasn't one that reached his eyes. This smile he was giving her completely lit up his face.
I watched them as they sat down together in the chairs that lined the hall. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I had a feeling that I might not want to. When he reached over and placed his hand over hers in her lap, I almost lost it. I yanked my head back from around the corner. The tears began to fall from my eyes before I could stop them. I made my way to Edward's office and practically tossed the plate on his desk. I left no note to let him even know I had been there.
The whole drive home I sobbed uncontrollably. These past few weeks I thought that Edward and I had begun to get closer again. When really, he was finding comfort in another woman's arms. I didn't understand how he could do this. I had lost my daughter and now he was being taken from me too. No he wasn't being taken, from what it looked like, he was willingly walking away.
I walked into our house and up to our bedroom. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. I broke down sobbing again, I cried until the water started to run cold. Stepping out of the bathroom, I realized Edward still wasn't home. I quickly got dressed for bed, not thinking I could handle seeing Edward when he arrived home tonight. I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed, crying myself to sleep.
~*&*~
I woke up in the morning to the sounds of the shower running. He was getting ready to leave for work and I had the day off. I laid back and ran over last night events in my head. I was interrupted from my thoughts by a buzzing sound. I looked over and saw Edward's cell phone vibrating on the nightstand. I picked it up and noticed he had a new text message. Not even thinking, I flipped the phone open and began to read.
Hey Edward! So glad we decided to meet today.
Missed our get together yesterday.
See you soon.
T
What the hell? Who is T? Is this the woman Edward was hugging yesterday? How long had they been seeing one another? How long had this been going on right under my nose?
I heard the shower cut off and shut the phone quickly, placing it back on the nightstand. After a several minutes Edward stepped out from the bathroom, completely dressed. He looked at me and wrinkled his brow. He shook it off and walked over to the nightstand, grabbing his phone.
"I should be home in time for dinner tonight. If not, I'll call and let you know," he told me, and walked out of the room. I probably should have confronted him about this "T" person, but decided not to. Why, I really didn't know. What I really wanted to do the minute he walked out that front door was to ransack his little home office and go over every piece of paper in there. I wanted to check every link he had clicked on in the past few months on his computer. I wanted to pour over every email he had written and received lately. But I couldn't do that. I needed to calm myself down and trust him.
~*&*~
I had tried to stay busy all day. I knew that if I gave myself time to think, I would go snooping. And I couldn't do that. I wasn't sure if I was scared of what I would find or what. By four o'clock in the afternoon, I finally decided to sit down and relax and watch a movie. I made myself comfortable on the couch and picked up the remote. Before I could even hit play, the phone was ringing.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," Edward said," I am not going to be home in time for dinner again tonight. Ummmmm, something came up. I will just grab something from the cafeteria so you don't need to bother with saving me anything."He was rushing through his words so fast that I barely understood him.
"So," I said, "you're sure you don't want me to take something over to the hospital? I can bring you something over." He didn't mention that he had eaten what I left him last night. I don't think he even knew that I had left it for him.
"No!" he said quickly, "I mean, don't worry about it. I can get something here." There was a long pause in conversation. I honestly didn't know what to say to him without blurting out the questions I really wanted answers to.
"So, yeah. I really should get going," he said, "gotta lot of work to do. I'll see you later tonight."
"Okay, love you," I said. I paused, waiting for him to answer. When I heard nothing, I looked down at the phone in my hand and realized that the call had been disconnected. Yeah, that hurt.
I sat around for a little bit and once again contemplated snooping. I needed to confront him but I didn't want to fly off the handle. And the way I was feeling right now, that is exactly what I would probably do.
I decided to go for a drive. I hopped in my car and just drove. I ended up right in front of the little coffee shop by the hospital. I pulled over and parked on the other side of the street from it. I really didn't need any caffeine this late in the day but I knew this place had wonderful muffins because Edward used to bring them home to Lizzie sometimes.
I sat there debating whether or not I would go inside, a couple coming out of the hospital doors caught my eye. As the two of them got closer I realized why they had caught my eye. It was Edward and the strawberry blonde that I saw him with yesterday. I ducked down in the seat a bit and watched them walk over to the coffee shop. Edward was laughing at something she had said. I hadn't heard him laugh in months and it hurt me to see that she was able to make him.
As they got to the door, Edward held it open for her and they walked inside. They walked up to the counter and placed their order, Edward paying of course, the gentleman he was. They sat down at a table near the window where I could see them pretty good. They began talking and Edward started rubbing the back of his neck. Then little miss bimbo, as I had started calling her in my head, stood up and walked over behind him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and began to massage him. I could almost hear Edward moaning in my mind. He loved it when I massaged his neck and shoulders after a long day of work.
I couldn't watch anymore. I sat up and put my seatbelt back on and rushed home. I was surprised that I wasn't crying. I walked inside the house and slammed the door. I fixed myself a sandwich and sat down to eat it, wondering what in the hell was going on with my life. Did I really just see my husband having coffee with another woman? Surely, I must be mistaken. Edward would never do that, would he? He had changed so much in the few months since Lizzie's death and I realized that I barely knew him anymore. What if he had become the type of man that would cheat on his wife just months after the death of his child? What if his grief and our issues had drove him to the arms of another woman?
I threw my sandwich away, unable to eat anymore and went upstairs to bed. I tossed and turned, but evidently fell asleep. I woke up when I felt the bed move as Edward climbed inside. I laid there quietly and let him think that I was asleep. After a few minutes I heard his breath even out and he began to lightly snore. I pulled the covers back slowly and climbed out of bed. I tiptoed over to his side of the bed and looked on the side table for his cell phone. Yes, I had decided it was time to snoop. The phone wasn't there so I figured he had plugged it in downstairs to charge.
I looked over at him again to make sure he was still asleep and walked out of our room. Walking into the kitchen, I spied his phone plugged in and sitting on the counter. I wondered to myself if I really wanted to do this as I held the shiny phone in my hand. Taking a deep breath, I powered the phone and went to his contacts, immediately looking for the T's.
Timothy.....a fellow doctor at work that I had met many times at hospital
Tino's.....a local pizza place
Tanya.....Tanya......Tanya......I couldn't place that name for the life of me. I assumed that this had been the T that had sent the message. I looked at the number and made sure to remember it as I scrolled to the incoming messages. My stomach dropped as I read them.
Hey E, we still on for tomorrow?
T
You know I will be would I miss it?
E
Looking forward to Thursday
T
I am looking forward to it as well
E
Wow, two times a week? I must be special
T
Yes, you are least to me you are.
E
The messages dated back from weeks ago. There were lots of them. I didn't think I could handle reading anymore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I tried not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears as they fell from my eyes. I powered the phone off and sat it back down on the counter. I walked upstairs and looked at Edward lying in the bed sound asleep. I took my pillow off the bed and walked out. I opened Lizzie's bedroom door and smiled. It had been a while since I had been able to do that walking into this room. I needed to be close to my baby girl tonight, because I sure as hell didn't want to be anywhere near her father.
I laid my pillow down on the bed and pulled her pink comforter back. Lying down, my mind began to race over everything that I had uncovered today. It had been a shocking day, to say the least.
EPOV
When I arrived home the next day from work, I was a little nervous. I hated not telling Bella about meeting and talking to Tanya, but I felt that I needed to keep the fact that I was talking to someone a secret. Everyone had been trying to get me to talk to someone for weeks and I knew that they would try and claim victory over the fact that I finally was. But it wasn't for them, it was for me. I had decided to take that step for myself, not for Bella, not for my family, but for me. I was in the living room thinking when I heard Bella come home. She walked in biting her lip. The way her sad eyes looked at me, I was beginning to wonder if she knew. She did, after all, know me all to well.
Sitting down in the chair by the couch, she eyed me carefully. She asked me about my day and I told her about some of the interesting surgeries that I had participated in. I asked her about her day. I knew that she had a therapy appointment that morning and I wondered if the doctor had tried again to get her to convince me to see someone. Bella made no mention of her therapy visit, so I didn't ask..
We talked for a few hours, about work, my parents, Rose and Emmett and their impending arrival, while eating the Chinese takeout.
It was nice to sit and talk about our day. I saw a hint of happiness in Bella’s eyes when she smiled. I missed her smile, and they way it made her eyes glow.
We cleaned up, her washing the dishes and me drying, just like we used to. My heart was still aching, though. I still hurt her and I hated that. But it was nice to do something even if it was as small as washing dishes. We were still doing it together.
Once we were done, Bella started yawning. I could tell she was exhausted and truth be told, so was I.
“Are you tired, love?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She replied, yawing again.
“Come on, let’s go up to bed.” I suggested, taking her hand in mine. She sighed and I could tell she was swallowing back sobs, hell I was too. It was nice to have Bella’s hand in mine.
When we passed Lizzie’s room, she stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. We both just stood there for a second then walked to our room.
Bella did her nightly routine first, then I went in and did mine. When I walked back into the bedroom, she was curled up under the blankets sleeping.
I laid on the bed next to her, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back, I thought back to the conversation with Tanya and how good it felt to talk to someone.
After about 10 minutes, Bella started thrashing back and forth and calling out for Lizzie. She hadn't been having the nightmares as much lately, but they still happened. She cried and whimpered in her sleep for hours. I tried to console but it was impossible. As she tossed and turned, I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, hating myself for making her go through this pain.
~*&*~
The next few weeks, went by pretty fast. Bella and I had a nice routine going on. The nights I was home, we would talk about our day, or just sit and watch a movie. We would hold hands but never went past that. There were times when I felt like we were ignoring what we really should be talking about but I didn’t want to ruin what we had started to build.
I had I continued to meet twice a week with Tanya at the little coffee shop across from the hospital. We also had shared numerous texts, phone calls and emails. We would talk about Jamie and Lizzie and all the things they loved to do to make us, as parents, want to pull our hair out. I would talk about work and some of the things that had gone on during the week. I loved talking about my baby girl. When ever I would tell a story about her, it made me feel good. I felt close to her. And I could tell it was the same with Tanya when she would talk about Jaime. The one thing neither of us mentioned was our spouses. I honestly had no idea what to think about that. I wondered if Bella talked about me in her therapy sessions.
Today was Tuesday and that meant that Tanya and I would meet for coffee after work. I was a little excited to get out of here and talk. It felt good to have something to look forward to finally.
"Dr. Cullen," one of the nurses called to me as I walked out of the restroom, "there are multiple injuries coming in and they’re thinking that most, if not all, will need surgery. We are going to need you to stay after your shift." I ran my hands through my hair and moaned.
"Okay," I told her, "just give me minute to call my wife and let her know that I won't be home in time for dinner and I will head down to the ER." I walked into the break room and pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed home. I knew Bella wouldn't be home yet, but I could leave a message. It rang four times and the machine picked up.
"Bella, something has come up and I am not going to be able to make it home for dinner, just plate some left over’s and stick them in the fridge for me. Gotta go. Thanks." I ended the call and stuck it back in my pocket and headed down to the ER.
~*&*~
Hours later, I was completely exhausted. Like they said, most of the injuries had required some type of surgery, but thankfully everyone had pulled through. I tossed the gloves I had been wearing in one of the bins by the door and walked out into the hall. I turned the corner and heard someone walking really fast, their heels hitting the linoleum quickly. I looked up to see Tanya coming down the hall towards me.
"Shit Tanya," I told her, "I completely forgot about coffee." She reached me and hugged me tightly. We had begun to do that in greeting. I felt like she was quickly becoming a very good friend of mine.
"It's okay, Edward, I got a little worried so I came in and someone had told me that you were in surgery." she said, pulling away from the hug. I smiled widely at her and we sat down in some of the chairs that lined the hall and I kept apologizing.
"There was some huge accident on the highway and there were multiple injuries. I should have called and let you know I wouldn't be able to make it, but it completely slipped my mind," I told her, and placed my hand on hers that rested in her lap.
"It's fine Edward. Really. How about if we just meet tomorrow instead? I know that you wanted to discuss some dreams that you have been having and I hate to have them making you feel guilty or something."
She was right. I had needed to tell her about some dreams I had begun to have. And yes, they were making me feel guilty. I had finally started to resolve some of my guilt, but since these nightmares started, the guilt had come back full force.
"That sounds like a perfect idea. Can't wait, really," I told hugged me again and said she would see me tomorrow. After she left, I walked down the hall to my office. Stepping inside, I noticed that someone had left a plate of food on my desk.
BPOV
The past few weeks had been going great. I felt like Edward and I were getting closer again. We started talking more, I was thrilled that I getting my husband back. I knew we still weren't talking about our feelings and about Lizzie, but I thought that once we were connected again, that would come.
I got home from work that day, weeks ago, after meeting with my therapist, I eyed Edward carefully as he sat in the living room, trying to gauge his mood. I sat down in the chair by the couch and just decided to do it. I asked him how his day was and he talked. Yes it could have been the most boring conversation we had ever had, but I couldn't help but be thrilled that my husband was talking to me again.
We ordered takeout and talked for hours. He asked me questions about my day and I answered. It felt good to talk to my husband again. I was probably scaring people at work lately because I pretty much talk to everyone. It was hard going home at night and just being quiet, not speaking at all. This talking was wonderful, I craved it.
We had been talking more and more over the next few weeks. It had been nothing major, but it was a step. I asked him yesterday if he wanted me to cook dinner tonight and he agreed. I went grocery shopping after work and picked up the things I would need to make spaghetti, garlic bread and a salad.
I walked in the house and tossed my keys on the table by the door. I noticed the machine was blinking but there was no way I could press the play button with all these bags in my hands. I walked into the kitchen and put all the groceries away and made my way back to the phone.
"Bella, something has come up and I am not going to be able to make it home for dinner. Just plate some left over’s and stick them in the fridge for me. Gotta go. Thanks."
Well, that was quick and to the point. He probably had some type of emergency surgery or something. I understood because I had been dealing with it our whole married life. I decided to put myself out there. I was going to go ahead and make our dinner, and I was going to take it to him at work. I would show him how much I appreciate him trying for me.
~*&*~
Once the spaghetti and garlic bread were done, I plated some and grabbed the salad I had made from the fridge and drove down to the hospital. I walked into the hospital and smiled at the nurses as I made my way inside. It was only recently that I had been able to return to the hospital. I didn't really see how Edward had done it so quickly after Lizzie's death. All I could think about this place at first was how my baby girl had died here. Yes, I still thought about that, but now, it was also the place where my husband worked.
I rode in the elevator up to Edward's floor and stepped out. Walking down the hall, I heard someone’s heels hitting the floor rather loudly. I rounded the corner but stepped back when I realized what I saw. I peeked back around the corner and gasped, quietly.
Edward was standing there while some strawberry blonde had her arms wrapped around him. She was tall, thin and as she pulled away from him, I saw that she was gorgeous. He was smiling at her. And I realized that I hadn't seen that smile in months. Yes, he had smiled, but it wasn't one that reached his eyes. This smile he was giving her completely lit up his face.
I watched them as they sat down together in the chairs that lined the hall. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I had a feeling that I might not want to. When he reached over and placed his hand over hers in her lap, I almost lost it. I yanked my head back from around the corner. The tears began to fall from my eyes before I could stop them. I made my way to Edward's office and practically tossed the plate on his desk. I left no note to let him even know I had been there.
The whole drive home I sobbed uncontrollably. These past few weeks I thought that Edward and I had begun to get closer again. When really, he was finding comfort in another woman's arms. I didn't understand how he could do this. I had lost my daughter and now he was being taken from me too. No he wasn't being taken, from what it looked like, he was willingly walking away.
I walked into our house and up to our bedroom. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. I broke down sobbing again, I cried until the water started to run cold. Stepping out of the bathroom, I realized Edward still wasn't home. I quickly got dressed for bed, not thinking I could handle seeing Edward when he arrived home tonight. I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed, crying myself to sleep.
~*&*~
I woke up in the morning to the sounds of the shower running. He was getting ready to leave for work and I had the day off. I laid back and ran over last night events in my head. I was interrupted from my thoughts by a buzzing sound. I looked over and saw Edward's cell phone vibrating on the nightstand. I picked it up and noticed he had a new text message. Not even thinking, I flipped the phone open and began to read.
Hey Edward! So glad we decided to meet today.
Missed our get together yesterday.
See you soon.
T
What the hell? Who is T? Is this the woman Edward was hugging yesterday? How long had they been seeing one another? How long had this been going on right under my nose?
I heard the shower cut off and shut the phone quickly, placing it back on the nightstand. After a several minutes Edward stepped out from the bathroom, completely dressed. He looked at me and wrinkled his brow. He shook it off and walked over to the nightstand, grabbing his phone.
"I should be home in time for dinner tonight. If not, I'll call and let you know," he told me, and walked out of the room. I probably should have confronted him about this "T" person, but decided not to. Why, I really didn't know. What I really wanted to do the minute he walked out that front door was to ransack his little home office and go over every piece of paper in there. I wanted to check every link he had clicked on in the past few months on his computer. I wanted to pour over every email he had written and received lately. But I couldn't do that. I needed to calm myself down and trust him.
~*&*~
I had tried to stay busy all day. I knew that if I gave myself time to think, I would go snooping. And I couldn't do that. I wasn't sure if I was scared of what I would find or what. By four o'clock in the afternoon, I finally decided to sit down and relax and watch a movie. I made myself comfortable on the couch and picked up the remote. Before I could even hit play, the phone was ringing.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," Edward said," I am not going to be home in time for dinner again tonight. Ummmmm, something came up. I will just grab something from the cafeteria so you don't need to bother with saving me anything."He was rushing through his words so fast that I barely understood him.
"So," I said, "you're sure you don't want me to take something over to the hospital? I can bring you something over." He didn't mention that he had eaten what I left him last night. I don't think he even knew that I had left it for him.
"No!" he said quickly, "I mean, don't worry about it. I can get something here." There was a long pause in conversation. I honestly didn't know what to say to him without blurting out the questions I really wanted answers to.
"So, yeah. I really should get going," he said, "gotta lot of work to do. I'll see you later tonight."
"Okay, love you," I said. I paused, waiting for him to answer. When I heard nothing, I looked down at the phone in my hand and realized that the call had been disconnected. Yeah, that hurt.
I sat around for a little bit and once again contemplated snooping. I needed to confront him but I didn't want to fly off the handle. And the way I was feeling right now, that is exactly what I would probably do.
I decided to go for a drive. I hopped in my car and just drove. I ended up right in front of the little coffee shop by the hospital. I pulled over and parked on the other side of the street from it. I really didn't need any caffeine this late in the day but I knew this place had wonderful muffins because Edward used to bring them home to Lizzie sometimes.
I sat there debating whether or not I would go inside, a couple coming out of the hospital doors caught my eye. As the two of them got closer I realized why they had caught my eye. It was Edward and the strawberry blonde that I saw him with yesterday. I ducked down in the seat a bit and watched them walk over to the coffee shop. Edward was laughing at something she had said. I hadn't heard him laugh in months and it hurt me to see that she was able to make him.
As they got to the door, Edward held it open for her and they walked inside. They walked up to the counter and placed their order, Edward paying of course, the gentleman he was. They sat down at a table near the window where I could see them pretty good. They began talking and Edward started rubbing the back of his neck. Then little miss bimbo, as I had started calling her in my head, stood up and walked over behind him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and began to massage him. I could almost hear Edward moaning in my mind. He loved it when I massaged his neck and shoulders after a long day of work.
I couldn't watch anymore. I sat up and put my seatbelt back on and rushed home. I was surprised that I wasn't crying. I walked inside the house and slammed the door. I fixed myself a sandwich and sat down to eat it, wondering what in the hell was going on with my life. Did I really just see my husband having coffee with another woman? Surely, I must be mistaken. Edward would never do that, would he? He had changed so much in the few months since Lizzie's death and I realized that I barely knew him anymore. What if he had become the type of man that would cheat on his wife just months after the death of his child? What if his grief and our issues had drove him to the arms of another woman?
I threw my sandwich away, unable to eat anymore and went upstairs to bed. I tossed and turned, but evidently fell asleep. I woke up when I felt the bed move as Edward climbed inside. I laid there quietly and let him think that I was asleep. After a few minutes I heard his breath even out and he began to lightly snore. I pulled the covers back slowly and climbed out of bed. I tiptoed over to his side of the bed and looked on the side table for his cell phone. Yes, I had decided it was time to snoop. The phone wasn't there so I figured he had plugged it in downstairs to charge.
I looked over at him again to make sure he was still asleep and walked out of our room. Walking into the kitchen, I spied his phone plugged in and sitting on the counter. I wondered to myself if I really wanted to do this as I held the shiny phone in my hand. Taking a deep breath, I powered the phone and went to his contacts, immediately looking for the T's.
Timothy.....a fellow doctor at work that I had met many times at hospital
Tino's.....a local pizza place
Tanya.....Tanya......Tanya......I couldn't place that name for the life of me. I assumed that this had been the T that had sent the message. I looked at the number and made sure to remember it as I scrolled to the incoming messages. My stomach dropped as I read them.
Hey E, we still on for tomorrow?
T
You know I will be would I miss it?
E
Looking forward to Thursday
T
I am looking forward to it as well
E
Wow, two times a week? I must be special
T
Yes, you are least to me you are.
E
The messages dated back from weeks ago. There were lots of them. I didn't think I could handle reading anymore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I tried not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears as they fell from my eyes. I powered the phone off and sat it back down on the counter. I walked upstairs and looked at Edward lying in the bed sound asleep. I took my pillow off the bed and walked out. I opened Lizzie's bedroom door and smiled. It had been a while since I had been able to do that walking into this room. I needed to be close to my baby girl tonight, because I sure as hell didn't want to be anywhere near her father.
I laid my pillow down on the bed and pulled her pink comforter back. Lying down, my mind began to race over everything that I had uncovered today. It had been a shocking day, to say the least.
Chapter Seven
I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
Storming out of the house, I jumped into my car and sped away. I was so tired of everyone telling me that I needed to speak to someone. I was doing just fine on my own. I had no desire to speak to a counselor about my feelings, no matter how much it has helped Bella. I wished everyone could understand that.
I drove almost mechanically. I didn't realize where I was until I saw the bright lights of the hospital parking lot up ahead. It was only six in the afternoon, yet I really didn't feel like going in to the office and doing paperwork. I had been there almost constantly over the past few weeks and really didn't want to spend any more time there than necessary. I decided to stop in the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital and just be alone.
As I walked in the front door, the bell chimed. I looked around the room, it was pretty empty which I was glad for. There was some quiet music playing in the speakers above. A young lady came up to the register as I stepped forward.
"Hi Dr. Cullen," she said, smiling. I was a usual customer here on my days at the hospital. I couldn't stand the awful coffee in the hospital cafeteria, so I'd always came here to fill my caffeine needs.
"What can I get for you this evening?"
"Let me just get a large black coffee, please." She turned away and began to fix my coffee. I heard the bell ring behind me as someone else had entered the shop.
"That will be $2.75, Dr. Cullen," the woman told me as she sat the coffee cup on the counter. I reached in my back pocket and pulled my wallet out. When I opened it, a picture fell out and floated to the ground. Looking down, I noticed the woman behind me already had the picture in her hands. She stood back up and I was met with piercing blue eyes. Smiling brightly, she flipped her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and handed me back the picture.
"She's very beautiful," she said, looking down at the picture with me. It was a picture Bella had taken of Lizzie and I last summer at the beach, the same day as the family one I stuck in the coffin with Lizzie. I smiled weakly as I remember that we had promised her we'd go back there this year and now we wouldn't get to.
"Thank you," I told her, my voice cracking, I tried to hold back the tears, but there was no use, they began to fall. All the emotion and turmoil that had built up in me recently had decided now to escape, in front of a total stranger.
She looked at my face and saw that I was crying, "I've got this. You go ahead and take a seat." I shook my head and tried to tell her that I would buy it but she motioned for me to go sit down. I put my wallet back in my pocket, took my coffee and headed to the back table as the stranger paid for mine as well as hers.
I sat down and placed Lizzie's picture down on the table in front of me. I lightly grazed Lizzie's face in the picture with my finger. The young woman came back a few moments later with her coffee as well as two muffins. She placed them down on the table in front of me and took a seat."I wasn't sure if you wanted anything else to go with your coffee, so I got you a muffin," she reached her hand across the table to shake mine, "my name is Tanya." I smiled widely at her and shook her hand. I had no idea why, but I suddenly felt very comfortable with her.
"Edward," I said, shifting in my chair, "I am sorry you had to see that. I had just been dealing with so much and then you said that about my daughter and it just all came flooding back." She shook her head knowingly at me as she sipped her coffee.
"I completely understand," she told me, "how long as she been gone?" I looked up at her now, shocked. How did she know? I didn't remember actually saying anything about Lizzie being dead.
"How did you know?" I asked her. It felt so good to speak with someone who didn't already know about my situation. Everyone at the hospital and my own family had acted as if they were walking on eggshells around me and to say I was fed up with it was an understatement.
"I can tell the look of a parent who has lost a child. Your eyes look so empty. You look broken. I have been there myself in fact. Three years ago my little boy drowned in our back yard swimming pool. My husband was there and Jamie just got away from him. One second they were playing hide and go seek together and the next minute the entire neighborhood was out searching for him. All it took was a few seconds and my life changed forever." She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I handed her a napkin from the table and she said a quiet thanks.
"Elizabeth, Lizzie, has been gone for six weeks," my voice cracked and tears fell from my eyes. She reached across the table and took my hand in hers. It felt good to have contact with someone, anyone. I couldn't remember the last time I had even held someone's hand.
I suddenly felt very comfortable discussing my situation with this stranger.
"It was a horrible accident. She was hit by a car here in town. She was with my wife. I should've been there. If I was there maybe I could've saved her. And then when they brought her into the hospital, maybe I could've done something. Being a doctor, I should've been able to do something. But it all happened so fast, it didn't even register with me, what was going on, until the Doctor came out to tell us she was gone. If I had known, if I had a clear mind, I could've done something. I let them down, both my wife and my daughter. I can't forgive myself so how can my wife forgive me for not saving her?" I sat there sobbing to a complete stranger, but somehow it felt good to get some of this guilt off my chest. I hadn't voiced any of this to my family, let alone Bella, but here I was sharing everything with Tanya.
"Edward," she said, rubbing my hand gently with hers, "we all feel that at first, that there should've been something we could've done, some way we could've changed the outcome. I felt that way for months after Jamie died. If I hadn't been at that damn spa taking care of myself I would have been there with them. Maybe we would've all been playing together or doing something different inside the house. All the what if's ran through my mind, they still do."
"I just miss her so much sometimes. Hell, all the time. I see children laughing and playing and I want to break down in tears. I can't even spend time alone by myself in my own home without going crazy. I have to have some type of noise going all the time so I don't notice how quiet the world is without her. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I feel hopeless. I can't sleep at night. I get angry over the stupidest shit." I put my head down on the table and felt Tanya run her hands through my hair. It felt so good to have someone touch me. I missed my daughter so much, but dammit, I missed Bella too.
"My wife hates me. She won't talk to me. I can't remember the last time we even held a conversation. I think she blames me. I blame me," I told her raising my head back from the table to look at her face.
"Edward, I am sure she doesn't hate you. She doesn't blame you either. You shouldn't blame yourself, in situation like these, there is no one to blame. It was a tragic accident. Blaming your self is not going to bring your daughter back." I was silent for a few minutes, my heart was aching. I knew what she was saying was true, my mind was screaming it but it wasn't registering with my heart. I swallowed hard, my Adam's apple bobbing as I fought off the sobs. She reached for my hand again. The comfort of that one little gesture was alarming. "I know it's hard right now and it will be for a while, but you need to stick with each other. Believe me, it will be harder if you don't. You need each other, Edward. She's hurting just as much as you, she needs you, like you need her. Shutting her out is not helping either one of you."
"I can't face her, I'm too scared to ask, to afraid to hear her tell me what I already know."
"Edward, your wife is probably blaming herself. You say she was with your wife? Correct," I nodded, "My husband still blames himself, still has nightmares and still tells me how sorry he is. I don't blame him, Edward, I never did, but he blamed himself and that tore him apart and almost tore us apart. But once we talked about it and I told him I didn't blame him we worked through the grief together. You need to talk to you wife, you need to get through this together."
"She wants me to talk to someone, she wants us to go to therapy, but I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to have some shrink help me forget my little girl."
"Is that what you think? That a shrink is going to make you forget her? Oh Edward, honey. That's not what's going to happen. You will never forget your little girl, you'll just get help with learning how to deal..."
I cut her off and shook my head 'no'. I didn't want to talk about going to see someone. I could feel the anger build and I didn't want to be angry with Tanya, talking with her tonight has helped. So I changed the subject and we sat there for a while exchanging stories about Elizabeth and Jamie. I started to feel good, sharing the stories of my little girl with someone. It felt good to laugh again. I believe, if Lizzie and Jamie would have met while they were still alive, the two of them together would have been hell on wheels.
I looked down at my watch and realized it was near nine o'clock and I had to be at work early tomorrow. I couldn't believe I had been sitting here for three hours talking to Tanya. It felt good though, to be able to talk to someone that went through what I was going through and survived, to be able to share stories with someone who didn't know Lizzie.
"I really should get going Tanya. Thank you so much for sitting here listening to my sob story," I said, laughing a bit, "I know you really didn't have to, but it helped me a lot." She smiled at me and hesitated for a moment then said,
"Actually Edward, it's what I do, well, what I used to do. I was a trained grief counselor for the hospital back in Phoenix. We recently moved to Forks and I haven't had a chance to send out my resume yet." I looked at her, shocked. I had just spent three hours talking to what might as well have been a therapist even though I had been telling everyone that I really didn't need to.
"R-Really? I stuttered, "Well thank you. It helped a lot to get some of that off my chest."
It was strange how easy it was to talk to Tanya and what was even stranger was that I felt good about it. She was a grief counselor not a shrink, maybe I did need to talk to someone, but on my own time, like this. Not in some office, what I needed was a friend.
"Anytime, Edward. I'll tell you what. Give me your cell phone and I will add my number. If you ever feel the need to talk, just give me a ring." I smiled at her and handed her my phone. I really did feel a lot better than I had before storming out of the house earlier.
"Actually, Tanya. Do you think that we could do this again sometime this week. Like, say, Thursday. I will be on duty then. Maybe you can meet me for a little while, back here?" I asked her, looking down at the floor. I really didn't want to rely on someone like this, but I was beginning to feel human again after talking with her for just a few hours.
"Sure Edward. That's fine. Does around three o'clock work for you?"
"Yeah, three o'clock sounds good. I'll see you then. Thank you again," I said to her, as she gathered her things and walked out of the coffee shop.
~*&*~
I pulled up in our driveway and saw that all the lights in the house were off. Walking inside, I threw my keys on the table in the foyer and kicked my shoes off. I glanced in both the kitchen and living room, Bella wasn't in either one. I walked upstairs and looked in Lizzie's room. I could tell that Bella had been there earlier, but she was no longer there.
I made my way into our bedroom and was surprised that Bella wasn't there. I sat down on my side of the bed and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Looking over at Bella's side, I noticed there was a piece of paper lying there. I picked it up and began to read.
Edward,
Since you decided to leave I figured I could too. I just couldn't stay in this house all night by myself and I had no idea when exactly you'd be back. I didn't want drive in the condition I was in, so I called your mother and had her pick me up. I will be staying there over night.
Bella
Great. Just fucking great. Now I would have to deal with my mother wondering why in the hell I had left. I sure as hell couldn't tell them that I couldn't bear to look at my wife anymore because all I saw on her face was the pain that I had caused her. I knew that I wasn't helping Bella out any by avoiding her and I did want to talk to her but I wanted her to stop trying to get me to talk to someone. Wait, that's exactly what did tonight.
Everything in my mind just got even more messed up, I fucked up again, I had to deceive Bella.
BPOV
After Edward left last night, I laid on Lizzie's bed crying for a while. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was trying to get him to speak to me, but he wouldn't. He couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. I felt like I was losing my husband. I felt like I already had.
After trying to calm down for a few minutes, I realized it wasn't working. I called Esme and asked if she could come pick me up. I didn't think I could stay in this house all alone, at night. She came by and picked me up and I immediately went up to the guest room and went to bed. I had a session with my therapist in the morning and needed to be well rested for the emotions I would face. That's the way it was every time. I think that's what was helping me so much. I wasn't keeping everything bottled up inside anymore, so it wasn't eating away at me. That's what I wanted for Edward. I wanted him to be able to talk about how he was feeling, if not to me, then to a counselor or therapist or some one that could help him in ways, that I obviously could not.
~*&*~
"Mrs. Cullen, Dr. Marks will see you now," the receptionist said from behind the desk. I stood up and gathered my coat and purse and walked into her office. I had been coming here for a few weeks now and had become comfortable finally. The first few visits had been hard. I was closed off but knew that I needed to get help. I was hurting everyone around me. I had barely seen Rose or Alice at all after Lizzie's death. I hardly ever left the house.
I sat down in the chair opposite Dr. Marks' desk and made myself comfortable. She finished up what she was typing on her computer and picked up a pen and her yellow legal pad.
"Hello, Bella. How are you doing this afternoon? Yesterday was your first day back at work, right?"
"I am doing good. Yes, yesterday was my first day back at work. It went okay." I kept fidgeting with my hands in my lap.
"Were there any complications? Any episodes?" Dr. Marks had begun to call my emotional breakdowns, episodes. They had begun to happen a lot more frequently after our trip to the mall, but not as much since I had started therapy. The first few episodes had lasted hours. Lately, when I had one, they only lasted minutes.
"I had to go into the bathroom and sit for a while when one client came in. Her daughter said something that reminded me of something Lizzie used to say and I broke down. It didn't take me as long to recover this time." Dr. Marks had taught me some breathing exercises that many of her patients used during panic attacks to help me calm down.
"That's good. I am glad you are finding ways to cope. Now, tell me, did you speak with Edward about visiting the couples counselor?" She leaned back in her chair and raised her eyebrow questioningly at me. I had been putting off asking him to accompany me and she knew this.
"Yes, I spoke with him. He got rather angry and left the house. I spent the night at his mother's. I still can't spend any long periods of time in the house alone, especially at night." I looked down at my lap while she scribbled on her pad.
"So, Edward still isn't speaking with anyone?" I shook my head no and she scribbled some more. That is one thing I hated about therapy. I wish I knew what she was scribbling on that damn yellow legal pad.
"Are his brothers and father still trying to get him to speak with someone?" I nodded my head.
"Yes, they took him out yesterday and brought it up to him. He got in a big argument with them, I assume, and left. That's when I decided to pounce on him with the therapy question. I probably could have done it at a better time." I shook my head and closed my eyes, realizing how stupid I had been. If I had just given him time to get over his anger with his brothers I might have gotten through to him.
"No, Bella. He needs to talk with someone. It is helping you so much, so you know it will probably help him as well." I opened my eyes to look at her.
"It's just that I can't even talk to him. He doesn't make a move to talk to me. He can't look at me. He hates me. I didn't protect our little girl the way I should have and he blames me. I blame me." I began to cry now, and Dr. Marks handed me a tissue from the box on the table.
"Bella, I'm sure he doesn't blame you. He is just hurting and has no idea how to express his emotions. I want you to do something for me today when you get home. I want you to try to talk to him. Not about therapy or Lizzie, just talk. Talk to him about your day, ask him about his day. Talk, like you used to. Do you think you can do that?" I nodded my head and wiped the tears from my eyes.
I talked a little more about my day at work and as always, she had me end my session with a happy memory of Lizzie. I smiled as I recalled my memory, closing my eyes and picturing my litle girl laughing with me, the buzzer sounded to let me know that our session was over. I stood up an thanked Dr. Marks. I walked out of the office, feeling a little more at peace and with today's therapy, I had decided that tonight, I was going to get my husband to talk to me. I needed my husband to talk to me.
EPOV
Storming out of the house, I jumped into my car and sped away. I was so tired of everyone telling me that I needed to speak to someone. I was doing just fine on my own. I had no desire to speak to a counselor about my feelings, no matter how much it has helped Bella. I wished everyone could understand that.
I drove almost mechanically. I didn't realize where I was until I saw the bright lights of the hospital parking lot up ahead. It was only six in the afternoon, yet I really didn't feel like going in to the office and doing paperwork. I had been there almost constantly over the past few weeks and really didn't want to spend any more time there than necessary. I decided to stop in the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital and just be alone.
As I walked in the front door, the bell chimed. I looked around the room, it was pretty empty which I was glad for. There was some quiet music playing in the speakers above. A young lady came up to the register as I stepped forward.
"Hi Dr. Cullen," she said, smiling. I was a usual customer here on my days at the hospital. I couldn't stand the awful coffee in the hospital cafeteria, so I'd always came here to fill my caffeine needs.
"What can I get for you this evening?"
"Let me just get a large black coffee, please." She turned away and began to fix my coffee. I heard the bell ring behind me as someone else had entered the shop.
"That will be $2.75, Dr. Cullen," the woman told me as she sat the coffee cup on the counter. I reached in my back pocket and pulled my wallet out. When I opened it, a picture fell out and floated to the ground. Looking down, I noticed the woman behind me already had the picture in her hands. She stood back up and I was met with piercing blue eyes. Smiling brightly, she flipped her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and handed me back the picture.
"She's very beautiful," she said, looking down at the picture with me. It was a picture Bella had taken of Lizzie and I last summer at the beach, the same day as the family one I stuck in the coffin with Lizzie. I smiled weakly as I remember that we had promised her we'd go back there this year and now we wouldn't get to.
"Thank you," I told her, my voice cracking, I tried to hold back the tears, but there was no use, they began to fall. All the emotion and turmoil that had built up in me recently had decided now to escape, in front of a total stranger.
She looked at my face and saw that I was crying, "I've got this. You go ahead and take a seat." I shook my head and tried to tell her that I would buy it but she motioned for me to go sit down. I put my wallet back in my pocket, took my coffee and headed to the back table as the stranger paid for mine as well as hers.
I sat down and placed Lizzie's picture down on the table in front of me. I lightly grazed Lizzie's face in the picture with my finger. The young woman came back a few moments later with her coffee as well as two muffins. She placed them down on the table in front of me and took a seat."I wasn't sure if you wanted anything else to go with your coffee, so I got you a muffin," she reached her hand across the table to shake mine, "my name is Tanya." I smiled widely at her and shook her hand. I had no idea why, but I suddenly felt very comfortable with her.
"Edward," I said, shifting in my chair, "I am sorry you had to see that. I had just been dealing with so much and then you said that about my daughter and it just all came flooding back." She shook her head knowingly at me as she sipped her coffee.
"I completely understand," she told me, "how long as she been gone?" I looked up at her now, shocked. How did she know? I didn't remember actually saying anything about Lizzie being dead.
"How did you know?" I asked her. It felt so good to speak with someone who didn't already know about my situation. Everyone at the hospital and my own family had acted as if they were walking on eggshells around me and to say I was fed up with it was an understatement.
"I can tell the look of a parent who has lost a child. Your eyes look so empty. You look broken. I have been there myself in fact. Three years ago my little boy drowned in our back yard swimming pool. My husband was there and Jamie just got away from him. One second they were playing hide and go seek together and the next minute the entire neighborhood was out searching for him. All it took was a few seconds and my life changed forever." She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I handed her a napkin from the table and she said a quiet thanks.
"Elizabeth, Lizzie, has been gone for six weeks," my voice cracked and tears fell from my eyes. She reached across the table and took my hand in hers. It felt good to have contact with someone, anyone. I couldn't remember the last time I had even held someone's hand.
I suddenly felt very comfortable discussing my situation with this stranger.
"It was a horrible accident. She was hit by a car here in town. She was with my wife. I should've been there. If I was there maybe I could've saved her. And then when they brought her into the hospital, maybe I could've done something. Being a doctor, I should've been able to do something. But it all happened so fast, it didn't even register with me, what was going on, until the Doctor came out to tell us she was gone. If I had known, if I had a clear mind, I could've done something. I let them down, both my wife and my daughter. I can't forgive myself so how can my wife forgive me for not saving her?" I sat there sobbing to a complete stranger, but somehow it felt good to get some of this guilt off my chest. I hadn't voiced any of this to my family, let alone Bella, but here I was sharing everything with Tanya.
"Edward," she said, rubbing my hand gently with hers, "we all feel that at first, that there should've been something we could've done, some way we could've changed the outcome. I felt that way for months after Jamie died. If I hadn't been at that damn spa taking care of myself I would have been there with them. Maybe we would've all been playing together or doing something different inside the house. All the what if's ran through my mind, they still do."
"I just miss her so much sometimes. Hell, all the time. I see children laughing and playing and I want to break down in tears. I can't even spend time alone by myself in my own home without going crazy. I have to have some type of noise going all the time so I don't notice how quiet the world is without her. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I feel hopeless. I can't sleep at night. I get angry over the stupidest shit." I put my head down on the table and felt Tanya run her hands through my hair. It felt so good to have someone touch me. I missed my daughter so much, but dammit, I missed Bella too.
"My wife hates me. She won't talk to me. I can't remember the last time we even held a conversation. I think she blames me. I blame me," I told her raising my head back from the table to look at her face.
"Edward, I am sure she doesn't hate you. She doesn't blame you either. You shouldn't blame yourself, in situation like these, there is no one to blame. It was a tragic accident. Blaming your self is not going to bring your daughter back." I was silent for a few minutes, my heart was aching. I knew what she was saying was true, my mind was screaming it but it wasn't registering with my heart. I swallowed hard, my Adam's apple bobbing as I fought off the sobs. She reached for my hand again. The comfort of that one little gesture was alarming. "I know it's hard right now and it will be for a while, but you need to stick with each other. Believe me, it will be harder if you don't. You need each other, Edward. She's hurting just as much as you, she needs you, like you need her. Shutting her out is not helping either one of you."
"I can't face her, I'm too scared to ask, to afraid to hear her tell me what I already know."
"Edward, your wife is probably blaming herself. You say she was with your wife? Correct," I nodded, "My husband still blames himself, still has nightmares and still tells me how sorry he is. I don't blame him, Edward, I never did, but he blamed himself and that tore him apart and almost tore us apart. But once we talked about it and I told him I didn't blame him we worked through the grief together. You need to talk to you wife, you need to get through this together."
"She wants me to talk to someone, she wants us to go to therapy, but I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to have some shrink help me forget my little girl."
"Is that what you think? That a shrink is going to make you forget her? Oh Edward, honey. That's not what's going to happen. You will never forget your little girl, you'll just get help with learning how to deal..."
I cut her off and shook my head 'no'. I didn't want to talk about going to see someone. I could feel the anger build and I didn't want to be angry with Tanya, talking with her tonight has helped. So I changed the subject and we sat there for a while exchanging stories about Elizabeth and Jamie. I started to feel good, sharing the stories of my little girl with someone. It felt good to laugh again. I believe, if Lizzie and Jamie would have met while they were still alive, the two of them together would have been hell on wheels.
I looked down at my watch and realized it was near nine o'clock and I had to be at work early tomorrow. I couldn't believe I had been sitting here for three hours talking to Tanya. It felt good though, to be able to talk to someone that went through what I was going through and survived, to be able to share stories with someone who didn't know Lizzie.
"I really should get going Tanya. Thank you so much for sitting here listening to my sob story," I said, laughing a bit, "I know you really didn't have to, but it helped me a lot." She smiled at me and hesitated for a moment then said,
"Actually Edward, it's what I do, well, what I used to do. I was a trained grief counselor for the hospital back in Phoenix. We recently moved to Forks and I haven't had a chance to send out my resume yet." I looked at her, shocked. I had just spent three hours talking to what might as well have been a therapist even though I had been telling everyone that I really didn't need to.
"R-Really? I stuttered, "Well thank you. It helped a lot to get some of that off my chest."
It was strange how easy it was to talk to Tanya and what was even stranger was that I felt good about it. She was a grief counselor not a shrink, maybe I did need to talk to someone, but on my own time, like this. Not in some office, what I needed was a friend.
"Anytime, Edward. I'll tell you what. Give me your cell phone and I will add my number. If you ever feel the need to talk, just give me a ring." I smiled at her and handed her my phone. I really did feel a lot better than I had before storming out of the house earlier.
"Actually, Tanya. Do you think that we could do this again sometime this week. Like, say, Thursday. I will be on duty then. Maybe you can meet me for a little while, back here?" I asked her, looking down at the floor. I really didn't want to rely on someone like this, but I was beginning to feel human again after talking with her for just a few hours.
"Sure Edward. That's fine. Does around three o'clock work for you?"
"Yeah, three o'clock sounds good. I'll see you then. Thank you again," I said to her, as she gathered her things and walked out of the coffee shop.
~*&*~
I pulled up in our driveway and saw that all the lights in the house were off. Walking inside, I threw my keys on the table in the foyer and kicked my shoes off. I glanced in both the kitchen and living room, Bella wasn't in either one. I walked upstairs and looked in Lizzie's room. I could tell that Bella had been there earlier, but she was no longer there.
I made my way into our bedroom and was surprised that Bella wasn't there. I sat down on my side of the bed and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Looking over at Bella's side, I noticed there was a piece of paper lying there. I picked it up and began to read.
Edward,
Since you decided to leave I figured I could too. I just couldn't stay in this house all night by myself and I had no idea when exactly you'd be back. I didn't want drive in the condition I was in, so I called your mother and had her pick me up. I will be staying there over night.
Bella
Great. Just fucking great. Now I would have to deal with my mother wondering why in the hell I had left. I sure as hell couldn't tell them that I couldn't bear to look at my wife anymore because all I saw on her face was the pain that I had caused her. I knew that I wasn't helping Bella out any by avoiding her and I did want to talk to her but I wanted her to stop trying to get me to talk to someone. Wait, that's exactly what did tonight.
Everything in my mind just got even more messed up, I fucked up again, I had to deceive Bella.
BPOV
After Edward left last night, I laid on Lizzie's bed crying for a while. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was trying to get him to speak to me, but he wouldn't. He couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. I felt like I was losing my husband. I felt like I already had.
After trying to calm down for a few minutes, I realized it wasn't working. I called Esme and asked if she could come pick me up. I didn't think I could stay in this house all alone, at night. She came by and picked me up and I immediately went up to the guest room and went to bed. I had a session with my therapist in the morning and needed to be well rested for the emotions I would face. That's the way it was every time. I think that's what was helping me so much. I wasn't keeping everything bottled up inside anymore, so it wasn't eating away at me. That's what I wanted for Edward. I wanted him to be able to talk about how he was feeling, if not to me, then to a counselor or therapist or some one that could help him in ways, that I obviously could not.
~*&*~
"Mrs. Cullen, Dr. Marks will see you now," the receptionist said from behind the desk. I stood up and gathered my coat and purse and walked into her office. I had been coming here for a few weeks now and had become comfortable finally. The first few visits had been hard. I was closed off but knew that I needed to get help. I was hurting everyone around me. I had barely seen Rose or Alice at all after Lizzie's death. I hardly ever left the house.
I sat down in the chair opposite Dr. Marks' desk and made myself comfortable. She finished up what she was typing on her computer and picked up a pen and her yellow legal pad.
"Hello, Bella. How are you doing this afternoon? Yesterday was your first day back at work, right?"
"I am doing good. Yes, yesterday was my first day back at work. It went okay." I kept fidgeting with my hands in my lap.
"Were there any complications? Any episodes?" Dr. Marks had begun to call my emotional breakdowns, episodes. They had begun to happen a lot more frequently after our trip to the mall, but not as much since I had started therapy. The first few episodes had lasted hours. Lately, when I had one, they only lasted minutes.
"I had to go into the bathroom and sit for a while when one client came in. Her daughter said something that reminded me of something Lizzie used to say and I broke down. It didn't take me as long to recover this time." Dr. Marks had taught me some breathing exercises that many of her patients used during panic attacks to help me calm down.
"That's good. I am glad you are finding ways to cope. Now, tell me, did you speak with Edward about visiting the couples counselor?" She leaned back in her chair and raised her eyebrow questioningly at me. I had been putting off asking him to accompany me and she knew this.
"Yes, I spoke with him. He got rather angry and left the house. I spent the night at his mother's. I still can't spend any long periods of time in the house alone, especially at night." I looked down at my lap while she scribbled on her pad.
"So, Edward still isn't speaking with anyone?" I shook my head no and she scribbled some more. That is one thing I hated about therapy. I wish I knew what she was scribbling on that damn yellow legal pad.
"Are his brothers and father still trying to get him to speak with someone?" I nodded my head.
"Yes, they took him out yesterday and brought it up to him. He got in a big argument with them, I assume, and left. That's when I decided to pounce on him with the therapy question. I probably could have done it at a better time." I shook my head and closed my eyes, realizing how stupid I had been. If I had just given him time to get over his anger with his brothers I might have gotten through to him.
"No, Bella. He needs to talk with someone. It is helping you so much, so you know it will probably help him as well." I opened my eyes to look at her.
"It's just that I can't even talk to him. He doesn't make a move to talk to me. He can't look at me. He hates me. I didn't protect our little girl the way I should have and he blames me. I blame me." I began to cry now, and Dr. Marks handed me a tissue from the box on the table.
"Bella, I'm sure he doesn't blame you. He is just hurting and has no idea how to express his emotions. I want you to do something for me today when you get home. I want you to try to talk to him. Not about therapy or Lizzie, just talk. Talk to him about your day, ask him about his day. Talk, like you used to. Do you think you can do that?" I nodded my head and wiped the tears from my eyes.
I talked a little more about my day at work and as always, she had me end my session with a happy memory of Lizzie. I smiled as I recalled my memory, closing my eyes and picturing my litle girl laughing with me, the buzzer sounded to let me know that our session was over. I stood up an thanked Dr. Marks. I walked out of the office, feeling a little more at peace and with today's therapy, I had decided that tonight, I was going to get my husband to talk to me. I needed my husband to talk to me.
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