Chapter Seven

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.



EPOV

Storming out of the house, I jumped into my car and sped away. I was so tired of everyone telling me that I needed to speak to someone. I was doing just fine on my own. I had no desire to speak to a counselor about my feelings, no matter how much it has helped Bella. I wished everyone could understand that.

I drove almost mechanically. I didn't realize where I was until I saw the bright lights of the hospital parking lot up ahead. It was only six in the afternoon, yet I really didn't feel like going in to the office and doing paperwork. I had been there almost constantly over the past few weeks and really didn't want to spend any more time there than necessary. I decided to stop in the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital and just be alone.

As I walked in the front door, the bell chimed. I looked around the room, it was pretty empty which I was glad for. There was some quiet music playing in the speakers above. A young lady came up to the register as I stepped forward.

"Hi Dr. Cullen," she said, smiling. I was a usual customer here on my days at the hospital. I couldn't stand the awful coffee in the hospital cafeteria, so I'd always came here to fill my caffeine needs.

"What can I get for you this evening?"

"Let me just get a large black coffee, please." She turned away and began to fix my coffee. I heard the bell ring behind me as someone else had entered the shop.

"That will be $2.75, Dr. Cullen," the woman told me as she sat the coffee cup on the counter. I reached in my back pocket and pulled my wallet out. When I opened it, a picture fell out and floated to the ground. Looking down, I noticed the woman behind me already had the picture in her hands. She stood back up and I was met with piercing blue eyes. Smiling brightly, she flipped her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and handed me back the picture.

"She's very beautiful," she said, looking down at the picture with me. It was a picture Bella had taken of Lizzie and I last summer at the beach, the same day as the family one I stuck in the coffin with Lizzie. I smiled weakly as I remember that we had promised her we'd go back there this year and now we wouldn't get to.

"Thank you," I told her, my voice cracking, I tried to hold back the tears, but there was no use, they began to fall. All the emotion and turmoil that had built up in me recently had decided now to escape, in front of a total stranger.

She looked at my face and saw that I was crying, "I've got this. You go ahead and take a seat." I shook my head and tried to tell her that I would buy it but she motioned for me to go sit down. I put my wallet back in my pocket, took my coffee and headed to the back table as the stranger paid for mine as well as hers.

I sat down and placed Lizzie's picture down on the table in front of me. I lightly grazed Lizzie's face in the picture with my finger. The young woman came back a few moments later with her coffee as well as two muffins. She placed them down on the table in front of me and took a seat."I wasn't sure if you wanted anything else to go with your coffee, so I got you a muffin," she reached her hand across the table to shake mine, "my name is Tanya." I smiled widely at her and shook her hand. I had no idea why, but I suddenly felt very comfortable with her.

"Edward," I said, shifting in my chair, "I am sorry you had to see that. I had just been dealing with so much and then you said that about my daughter and it just all came flooding back." She shook her head knowingly at me as she sipped her coffee.

"I completely understand," she told me, "how long as she been gone?" I looked up at her now, shocked. How did she know? I didn't remember actually saying anything about Lizzie being dead.

"How did you know?" I asked her. It felt so good to speak with someone who didn't already know about my situation. Everyone at the hospital and my own family had acted as if they were walking on eggshells around me and to say I was fed up with it was an understatement.

"I can tell the look of a parent who has lost a child. Your eyes look so empty. You look broken. I have been there myself in fact. Three years ago my little boy drowned in our back yard swimming pool. My husband was there and Jamie just got away from him. One second they were playing hide and go seek together and the next minute the entire neighborhood was out searching for him. All it took was a few seconds and my life changed forever." She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I handed her a napkin from the table and she said a quiet thanks.

"Elizabeth, Lizzie, has been gone for six weeks," my voice cracked and tears fell from my eyes. She reached across the table and took my hand in hers. It felt good to have contact with someone, anyone. I couldn't remember the last time I had even held someone's hand.

I suddenly felt very comfortable discussing my situation with this stranger.

"It was a horrible accident. She was hit by a car here in town. She was with my wife. I should've been there. If I was there maybe I could've saved her. And then when they brought her into the hospital, maybe I could've done something. Being a doctor, I should've been able to do something. But it all happened so fast, it didn't even register with me, what was going on, until the Doctor came out to tell us she was gone. If I had known, if I had a clear mind, I could've done something. I let them down, both my wife and my daughter. I can't forgive myself so how can my wife forgive me for not saving her?" I sat there sobbing to a complete stranger, but somehow it felt good to get some of this guilt off my chest. I hadn't voiced any of this to my family, let alone Bella, but here I was sharing everything with Tanya.

"Edward," she said, rubbing my hand gently with hers, "we all feel that at first, that there should've been something we could've done, some way we could've changed the outcome. I felt that way for months after Jamie died. If I hadn't been at that damn spa taking care of myself I would have been there with them. Maybe we would've all been playing together or doing something different inside the house. All the what if's ran through my mind, they still do."

"I just miss her so much sometimes. Hell, all the time. I see children laughing and playing and I want to break down in tears. I can't even spend time alone by myself in my own home without going crazy. I have to have some type of noise going all the time so I don't notice how quiet the world is without her. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I feel hopeless. I can't sleep at night. I get angry over the stupidest shit." I put my head down on the table and felt Tanya run her hands through my hair. It felt so good to have someone touch me. I missed my daughter so much, but dammit, I missed Bella too.

"My wife hates me. She won't talk to me. I can't remember the last time we even held a conversation. I think she blames me. I blame me," I told her raising my head back from the table to look at her face.

"Edward, I am sure she doesn't hate you. She doesn't blame you either. You shouldn't blame yourself, in situation like these, there is no one to blame. It was a tragic accident. Blaming your self is not going to bring your daughter back." I was silent for a few minutes, my heart was aching. I knew what she was saying was true, my mind was screaming it but it wasn't registering with my heart. I swallowed hard, my Adam's apple bobbing as I fought off the sobs. She reached for my hand again. The comfort of that one little gesture was alarming. "I know it's hard right now and it will be for a while, but you need to stick with each other. Believe me, it will be harder if you don't. You need each other, Edward. She's hurting just as much as you, she needs you, like you need her. Shutting her out is not helping either one of you."

"I can't face her, I'm too scared to ask, to afraid to hear her tell me what I already know."

"Edward, your wife is probably blaming herself. You say she was with your wife? Correct," I nodded, "My husband still blames himself, still has nightmares and still tells me how sorry he is. I don't blame him, Edward, I never did, but he blamed himself and that tore him apart and almost tore us apart. But once we talked about it and I told him I didn't blame him we worked through the grief together. You need to talk to you wife, you need to get through this together."

"She wants me to talk to someone, she wants us to go to therapy, but I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to have some shrink help me forget my little girl."

"Is that what you think? That a shrink is going to make you forget her? Oh Edward, honey. That's not what's going to happen. You will never forget your little girl, you'll just get help with learning how to deal..."

I cut her off and shook my head 'no'. I didn't want to talk about going to see someone. I could feel the anger build and I didn't want to be angry with Tanya, talking with her tonight has helped. So I changed the subject and we sat there for a while exchanging stories about Elizabeth and Jamie. I started to feel good, sharing the stories of my little girl with someone. It felt good to laugh again. I believe, if Lizzie and Jamie would have met while they were still alive, the two of them together would have been hell on wheels.

I looked down at my watch and realized it was near nine o'clock and I had to be at work early tomorrow. I couldn't believe I had been sitting here for three hours talking to Tanya. It felt good though, to be able to talk to someone that went through what I was going through and survived, to be able to share stories with someone who didn't know Lizzie.

"I really should get going Tanya. Thank you so much for sitting here listening to my sob story," I said, laughing a bit, "I know you really didn't have to, but it helped me a lot." She smiled at me and hesitated for a moment then said,

"Actually Edward, it's what I do, well, what I used to do. I was a trained grief counselor for the hospital back in Phoenix. We recently moved to Forks and I haven't had a chance to send out my resume yet." I looked at her, shocked. I had just spent three hours talking to what might as well have been a therapist even though I had been telling everyone that I really didn't need to.

"R-Really? I stuttered, "Well thank you. It helped a lot to get some of that off my chest."

It was strange how easy it was to talk to Tanya and what was even stranger was that I felt good about it. She was a grief counselor not a shrink, maybe I did need to talk to someone, but on my own time, like this. Not in some office, what I needed was a friend.

"Anytime, Edward. I'll tell you what. Give me your cell phone and I will add my number. If you ever feel the need to talk, just give me a ring." I smiled at her and handed her my phone. I really did feel a lot better than I had before storming out of the house earlier.

"Actually, Tanya. Do you think that we could do this again sometime this week. Like, say, Thursday. I will be on duty then. Maybe you can meet me for a little while, back here?" I asked her, looking down at the floor. I really didn't want to rely on someone like this, but I was beginning to feel human again after talking with her for just a few hours.

"Sure Edward. That's fine. Does around three o'clock work for you?"

"Yeah, three o'clock sounds good. I'll see you then. Thank you again," I said to her, as she gathered her things and walked out of the coffee shop.

~*&*~

I pulled up in our driveway and saw that all the lights in the house were off. Walking inside, I threw my keys on the table in the foyer and kicked my shoes off. I glanced in both the kitchen and living room, Bella wasn't in either one. I walked upstairs and looked in Lizzie's room. I could tell that Bella had been there earlier, but she was no longer there.

I made my way into our bedroom and was surprised that Bella wasn't there. I sat down on my side of the bed and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Looking over at Bella's side, I noticed there was a piece of paper lying there. I picked it up and began to read.

Edward,

Since you decided to leave I figured I could too. I just couldn't stay in this house all night by myself and I had no idea when exactly you'd be back. I didn't want drive in the condition I was in, so I called your mother and had her pick me up. I will be staying there over night.

Bella

Great. Just fucking great. Now I would have to deal with my mother wondering why in the hell I had left. I sure as hell couldn't tell them that I couldn't bear to look at my wife anymore because all I saw on her face was the pain that I had caused her. I knew that I wasn't helping Bella out any by avoiding her and I did want to talk to her but I wanted her to stop trying to get me to talk to someone. Wait, that's exactly what did tonight.

Everything in my mind just got even more messed up, I fucked up again, I had to deceive Bella.

BPOV

After Edward left last night, I laid on Lizzie's bed crying for a while. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was trying to get him to speak to me, but he wouldn't. He couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. I felt like I was losing my husband. I felt like I already had.

After trying to calm down for a few minutes, I realized it wasn't working. I called Esme and asked if she could come pick me up. I didn't think I could stay in this house all alone, at night. She came by and picked me up and I immediately went up to the guest room and went to bed. I had a session with my therapist in the morning and needed to be well rested for the emotions I would face. That's the way it was every time. I think that's what was helping me so much. I wasn't keeping everything bottled up inside anymore, so it wasn't eating away at me. That's what I wanted for Edward. I wanted him to be able to talk about how he was feeling, if not to me, then to a counselor or therapist or some one that could help him in ways, that I obviously could not.

~*&*~

"Mrs. Cullen, Dr. Marks will see you now," the receptionist said from behind the desk. I stood up and gathered my coat and purse and walked into her office. I had been coming here for a few weeks now and had become comfortable finally. The first few visits had been hard. I was closed off but knew that I needed to get help. I was hurting everyone around me. I had barely seen Rose or Alice at all after Lizzie's death. I hardly ever left the house.

I sat down in the chair opposite Dr. Marks' desk and made myself comfortable. She finished up what she was typing on her computer and picked up a pen and her yellow legal pad.

"Hello, Bella. How are you doing this afternoon? Yesterday was your first day back at work, right?"

"I am doing good. Yes, yesterday was my first day back at work. It went okay." I kept fidgeting with my hands in my lap.

"Were there any complications? Any episodes?" Dr. Marks had begun to call my emotional breakdowns, episodes. They had begun to happen a lot more frequently after our trip to the mall, but not as much since I had started therapy. The first few episodes had lasted hours. Lately, when I had one, they only lasted minutes.

"I had to go into the bathroom and sit for a while when one client came in. Her daughter said something that reminded me of something Lizzie used to say and I broke down. It didn't take me as long to recover this time." Dr. Marks had taught me some breathing exercises that many of her patients used during panic attacks to help me calm down.

"That's good. I am glad you are finding ways to cope. Now, tell me, did you speak with Edward about visiting the couples counselor?" She leaned back in her chair and raised her eyebrow questioningly at me. I had been putting off asking him to accompany me and she knew this.

"Yes, I spoke with him. He got rather angry and left the house. I spent the night at his mother's. I still can't spend any long periods of time in the house alone, especially at night." I looked down at my lap while she scribbled on her pad.

"So, Edward still isn't speaking with anyone?" I shook my head no and she scribbled some more. That is one thing I hated about therapy. I wish I knew what she was scribbling on that damn yellow legal pad.

"Are his brothers and father still trying to get him to speak with someone?" I nodded my head.

"Yes, they took him out yesterday and brought it up to him. He got in a big argument with them, I assume, and left. That's when I decided to pounce on him with the therapy question. I probably could have done it at a better time." I shook my head and closed my eyes, realizing how stupid I had been. If I had just given him time to get over his anger with his brothers I might have gotten through to him.

"No, Bella. He needs to talk with someone. It is helping you so much, so you know it will probably help him as well." I opened my eyes to look at her.

"It's just that I can't even talk to him. He doesn't make a move to talk to me. He can't look at me. He hates me. I didn't protect our little girl the way I should have and he blames me. I blame me." I began to cry now, and Dr. Marks handed me a tissue from the box on the table.

"Bella, I'm sure he doesn't blame you. He is just hurting and has no idea how to express his emotions. I want you to do something for me today when you get home. I want you to try to talk to him. Not about therapy or Lizzie, just talk. Talk to him about your day, ask him about his day. Talk, like you used to. Do you think you can do that?" I nodded my head and wiped the tears from my eyes.

I talked a little more about my day at work and as always, she had me end my session with a happy memory of Lizzie. I smiled as I recalled my memory, closing my eyes and picturing my litle girl laughing with me, the buzzer sounded to let me know that our session was over. I stood up an thanked Dr. Marks. I walked out of the office, feeling a little more at peace and with today's therapy, I had decided that tonight, I was going to get my husband to talk to me. I needed my husband to talk to me.