Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.



EPOV

The past six weeks had been the longest of my entire life. They had also been the most trying. I went back to work two weeks after Lizzie's funeral. I had a little bit of an easier time than Bella did. I rarely dealt with children, and when I did, I could pass them off to a colleague if I thought I couldn't handle it. Bella, being a social worker, worked with children all day. There was no way that she could just pass her cases off to others. That's why she waited until today to finally go back to work. Everyone tried to tell her to take more time off, but she told us that she couldn't just sit around the empty house all day long anymore. It was slowly driving her insane and I completely understood. The few times that I'd been left at the house alone, even if it was just for a few hours, I had to have some type of noise going on. Whether it was the radio playing in the background or some television station, I couldn't stand the quietness of the house without Lizzie there.

It had been trying at best, Bella and I barely spoke. The first few weeks were the worst. Bella would spend a lot of time in Lizzie's room crying. Sometimes I'd find her just sitting on the bed holding a stuffed animal staring into space. I was no better, I'd spent the majority of the time just sitting in random places of the house.

Our families were there for us, constantly bringing food and making sure we were both eating. They wanted us to go to therapy but we both quickly denied, I didn't want to go to some therapist and talk about my little girl and have him help me forget her. Bella barely spoke to anyone and whenever the subject would come up, she would walk away. Something she has been doing a lot of, especially after our first outing.

It had been three weeks since Lizzie's death and I could tell that we were both going crazy. I had gone back to work and I felt bad that Bella was at the house by herself so I got out early one day and decided to get her out of the house.

"Thank you for this Edward," she said, holding tightly to my arm that was intertwined with hers. We were walking around the mall, basically just window shopping. "I figured we could both use some time outside of the house," I told her, kissing her gently on the head. She nodded and smiled up at me."Yeah, I feel like I'm going kind of crazy sometimes. It's just too quiet," she said, "I miss her so much." I hugged her tightly to me as we walked slowly through the crowds. We stopped at the front of the toy store and I looked down at Bella. She was staring down the aisle of the store at some of the children playing. Shit. I should've known this would be a bad idea.

Suddenly, she snatched her hand out of mine and ran into the store. I stood there for a moment, shocked, and then went in behind her. She walked down the middle, her head turning right and left quickly, scanning each aisle as she got closer to the back of the store.

"Lizzie," she screamed out, "Lizzie!" I ran up to her, grabbed her by the arm and turned her around toward me. She had tears streaming down her face. God, it didn't matter what I did, she was still hurting. I had continued to cause her pain.

"Edward! Did you see her? Lizzie was here! I have to find her." She tried to pull her arm from my grasp, but I held on tighter to her.

"Bella," I said to her, but she wasn't paying attention to me. Her eyes scanned every child that she saw. I shook her arm a little bit to get her attention and she looked me in the eye.

"Bella, sweetheart. You didn't see Lizzie. You couldn't have seen Lizzie. Baby you know this." She shook her head at me and covered her ears, chanting no, over and over. I pulled her to my chest and held her tightly to me, rubbing up and down her back, trying to soothe her.

"Baby, she's gone. I'm so sorry. She's not here." Bella started sobbing loudly and the children and parents around began to stare at us. I lifted her into my arms and carried her out to the car.

We hadn't been back to the mall since.

One thing that hadn't changed in the past few weeks, Bella's nightmares. Every night, since the funeral, she has had a nightmare of some sort. I was having a hard time calming her and one night when she kept screaming 'the blood the blood', I knew she was remembering seeing our little girl lying on the street, it tore my heart to she was crying for Lizzie to not leave her or begging me to save our baby girl, I could never seem to wake her from them. She screamed so loudly, I don't see how she never woke herself up. All I could do was hold her tight to me, and try to keep her from thrashing about on the bed. She would quiet down some, when she'd hear my voice whispering to her, but she still cried and moaned almost all night. In the morning, she remembered nothing. I tried talking to her about it but she refused to believe that it was happening.

Knowing that she didn't want to talk to someone, I still suggested it. I hated seeing her like this, she was broken and it was my fault. We often argued about it, I tried to be supportive but the truth was, she was not sleeping, she was loosing weight and I feared for her health. When she finally made the decision to go see someone, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I knocked on the door and heard a quiet voice tell me to come in. I pushed the door open and made my way inside. Rose was lying on the table, and Emmett was by her side, holding her hand. Emmett walked over to me and gave me a quick hug. Rose had a sonogram appointment this morning and had asked Bella and I to come, months ago. I left Bella in bed and a note letting her know where I was going. I wasn't really sure whether or not she would want to come.

"Come on in, bro," he said, and pointed at a chair on the other side of the bed, "have a seat." I sat down in the chair by the table as the radiologist finished up with her readings. Emmett gazed lovingly at the picture of his daughter on the black and white screen and smiled. He looked over to me and asked me how I had been as the nurse walked out the door.

"I've been doing okay. Working a lot. Trying to keep busy," I told him honestly. That was pretty much all I could do to keep my sanity lately. I was going to the hospital early and staying late just to keep from having to be at the house. I couldn't see how Bella could stay there all day, alone and in the quiet.

"Where's Bella?" Rose asked me, rolling her eyes. Evidently she thought I hadn't seen her.

"Baby, don't do this now," Emmett said, trying to cool down the situation. I stood up from where I was and began to pace the floor, running my hands through my hair. I should've known she would have some smart ass comment about Bella not being here for the appointment.

"No Em. Go ahead. Let me hear what she has to say." I told them both, staring them down from the foot of the bed.

"Well, I just want to know why your wife decided to ditch an appointment that she promised me she would come to months ago? She was so thrilled about being a godmother but now all of the sudden she has disappeared," Rose told me angrily, " I haven't seen her in weeks."

"Well, fuck Rose. I don't know. Let me see. Maybe because she just lost her daughter? Maybe because she can't even stomach the thought of seeing a baby, whether it's a grainy black and white image or not, because when Lizzie was killed we were actually trying to get pregnant again. Do you know that we couldn't even go to the goddamn mall because when we did, she swore that she saw Lizzie. And then I had to take my practically catatonic wife home because I had to explain to her again that our daughter is dead! That she is not at some fucking toy store waiting for us!" I began to cry now as I screamed at her."Do you know that I have to hold her in my arms every night just to keep her from harming herself in her sleep? She screams and cries every fucking night begging me to save our baby girl and there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about it!"

I leaned up against the wall and slid down to the floor, sobbing into my arms. I heard a strangled sob come from the door way and looked up to see Bella standing there.

She had heard everything I said that day and that's when she finally decided to speak to someone. She realized that she needed to get better. She was tired of being sad all the time and hurting so many people around her. Jasper had recommended one of his colleagues to her, and evidently she was getting through to her. Together, the two of them made the decision for her to go back to work today. She asked my opinion and I told her that if she felt comfortable returning to work, then she should.

So, this is why today, my one and only day off in quite a while, Emmett and Jasper are forcing me to go out with them. They said that I could use some time outside of the hospital and this house. Reluctantly, I agreed, but only because Bella would be at work, and I sure as hell wasn't sitting in this quiet house all alone with my thoughts.

Sitting down at the kitchen counter, I drank my orange juice and read the morning paper, waiting for the two of them to arrive. And right on time, a loud booming voice came from the doorway.

"Edward, my man!" Emmett said, smacking me on the back, "are you ready for a man day?" I just laughed at him and shook my head.

"So, what do you guys have planned for today?" I asked the two of them as we all walked toward the front door.

"Just trust us man, just trust us," Emmett said and Jasper nodded his head.

~*&*~

A few hours later we were sitting in a small diner near the golf course we had just left. The guys decided that eighteen holes of golf would do me some good. And I have to say, it did seem good to get my mind off of my life for just a little bit. Between Emmett's crazy jokes and the two of them arguing over who was going to drive the golf cart I hardly had a chance to think about it.

The waitress came over and took our order. Jasper and Emmett started talking about some sports game that was on last night, but a table near the back of the diner had caught my eye. A man, who looked to be a little older than me, sat with a little girl. She looked to be close to Lizzie's age and had curly brown hair. The little girl listened closely to her father, she leaned in to him as he spoke. He suddenly grabbed her and began tickling her as she giggled loudly. I could remember the countless times I had done the exact same thing to Lizzie and her reaction had been much the same. I loved to hear my baby girl giggle and tickling her was the one thing that would guarantee I could. As I continued to stare at the private moment between the father and daughter I choked back a sob that threatened to escape but couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes.

"Hey, Edward, man," Jasper said, leaning across the table towards me. "You okay?" I didn't even realize the two of them had stopped their conversation and focused on me.

"Yeah, sorry," I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, "Sometimes certain things just get to me, ya know?" I motioned my head toward the table at the back of the room. They both looked back and realized what had caused my sudden outburst.

"Okay, enough of that." I changed my composure quickly, not wanting to talk about my feelings. "I know you guys had some other reason for bring me out today. Just tell me what it is." I was almost sure that my father had put them up to this. Ever since Bella had been seeing the counselor, he had been trying to get me to talk to someone as well.

"Nah, man. We were just wondering, how you and Bella are doing?" Emmett asked me, as he began picking at his food the waitress had brought over.

"We're doing okay, I guess. I mean, of course we could be doing better, but under the circumstances, I guess we're okay." I told them. But honestly, I had been wondering the same thing. For the past few weeks, we had barely talked to each other. Aside from the "Hey" and "How was your day?" we rarely talked anymore. I couldn't even tell you the last time we even kissed each other.

"But really, Edward. How are you guys doing?" Jasper asked me. I stared at him and wondered what he was up to. He was probably going to try and pull some psycho babble bull shit on me and I just wasn't in the mood for that.

"Well, shit. I don't know. Bella and I hardly ever talk anymore. We are just pretty much existing. Aside from saying Good morning and good night, we rarely speak to one another. She won't talk to me. I don't think she talks to anyone but her therapist," I said angrily.

"That's not true, man. She comes over to the house all the time and talks to Rose and me. I think she is doing better." Emmett said. Jasper nodded his head.

"Yeah, she talks to Alice and me a lot too." I glared at him when he said this.

"So what you are trying to tell me is that my fucking wife speaks to everyone but me? Is that what you are telling me?" I tossed my napkin on the table and put my head in my hands.

"Man, we are just trying to help you guys. She tells Rose that she's worried about you. Have you tried to speak to someone?" Emmett asked.

"What do you mean? A therapist? I don't need a fucking therapist. I'm fine. I just wish my wife would talk to me, not some goddamn doctor." I spat out.

"Edward, I can suggest someone you can talk to. I have lots of colleagues that specialize..." Jasper began, but I cut him off. I stood up angrily and practically knocked my chair to the floor.

"I said I don't need to talk to a fucking therapist!"

~*&*~

I walked into our house after I made Emmett and Jasper drop me off. I wasn't in the mood for their meddling and I just wanted to get home. I noticed that Bella wasn't downstairs. She was probably lying down sleeping. She seemed to do that a lot lately. I decided to go up and take a shower to calm myself down. Walking down the hall, I saw that Lizzie's bedroom door was open and her light was on. I slowly stepped inside and saw Bella standing in Lizzie's closet, sobbing.

I can't believe I did this to her. I broke her. It's all my fault that she is in this kind of pain. I should have been there to save her.

I stood leaning on the wall, just inside the room. I listened as her breaths seemed to even out as the sobbing slowed. She had calmed down a bit, turned around and gasped when she saw me standing there.

BPOV

I had a pretty hard day. Everyone had welcomed me back with open arms, but I could tell that they really didn't know how they should treat me. I had several meetings today with some of my clients and most had went well.

It still hurt sometimes to see children laughing and playing. It had gotten better since seeing my therapist though. I just wish that Edward would go to a couples therapist with me. Dr. Marks had suggested someone to me last week and I decided to speak to Edward tonight about it.

When I got home, I went straight to Lizzie's room. I'd made it a habit to go into her room every day and just remember. I wanted to remember the way she was in our home. I wanted to remember every time she giggled and played in her room. What I really wanted was to go in that room and see her playing there, but I knew that wouldn't happen.

I walked into her closet and remembered all the times she had hidden in here during her many games of hide and seek. I stood in the middle of her closet and sobbed. I don't know how long I stood there but I finally calmed myself down and decided to go back downstairs and wait for Edward to get home.

I turned around and gasped when I saw Edward standing against the wall.

"Edward, how long have you been standing there?" I asked him. He looked at me with his cold eyes and shrugged his shoulders at me. I decided that I might as well get this over with.

"Edward, I was thinking. Dr. Marks, my therapist, suggested someone to me today that we could talk to. Together. I think that we should make an appointment for later this week. I think it would help us."

He pushed himself from the wall and shook his head."Not you too," he said as he sat down on Lizzie's bed. I sat down beside him.

"What do you mean?" I hadn't mentioned anything to him about talking to someone since Carlisle had tried.

"That was Emmett and Jasper's big plan today. Let's get Edward to see a therapist." he said, rolling his eyes at me.

"Well, maybe it's a good idea." I told him, playing with the hem of my skirt and looking down. He stood up from the bed and looked down at me.

"I don't need a therapist, Bella. Speaking to some counselor isn't going to bring my baby girl back. I don't want some doctor trying to make me forget about her!" He shouted at me. I stood up from the bed and stood facing him.

"Is that what you think I am doing Edward? Trying to forget about Lizzie?" I said, crying.

"No, Bella," he said, angrily, "But I don't need a fucking therapist and I'm tired of everyone telling me that I do!"

"Edward, please just listen." I sobbed, but the anger in his eyes were evident and stormed past me out the door. I stood gaping at the spot where he had been standing. A few moments later I heard the front door slam shut and his car speed off. I laid down on Lizzie's bed and cried. Edward and I were slowly slipping apart, I had lost my daughter and now I was losing my husband. I hugged Lizzie's pillow as I cried myself to sleep.